Irrational, Part 2

As I wrote in my last posting, I need to negotiate soon with someone who has, I feel, severe psychological issues.  I need his cooperation to reach a goal that matters a lot to me.

To negotiate with this person, I need to first address some relationship issues.  We don't need to become best friends.  But I need to address relationship issues that bear directly on my goal.

It isn't going to be easy.  When I listen to his perceptions of the situation, I expect to have to sift through mountains of paranoia and unjust accusations just to find scraps of sound reason.  I have to look for those scraps.  I have to acknowledge that those scraps make some sense, that I can see why he'd think those things.  Only if I do this with real sincerity will he believe that I respect his point of view.  Real sincerity.  I can't shortcut this process.  If he feels that I'm really listening to him and giving him some credit for his point of view on SOME things, there is a chance he'll listen when I completely dismiss his point of view in OTHER areas.

Overall, I'd say the odds of success aren't very high.  I can be patient.  I can listen.  I can acknowledge.  I can express my point of view respectfully.  But I'm guessing that this other person still will not budge.  I just need to know that I tried.

What if they are irrational?

Does the idea of fixing the relationship before negotiating apply when the other person has severe emotional or rational issues?  I have one such relationship at the moment.  I can't easily walk away from this relationship.  I have some important things that I want, and--like it or not--I need cooperation from someone who has unhealthy emotions, impure motives, and delusional thoughts.

I think the concept still applies.  If I want the other person to cooperate with me to meet some goal, then I have to work on the relationship.  Otherwise, I have to give up on the goal.  If you want peace in the Mid-East, you either nurture your relationship with some unsavory characters or give up on peace.

So I'm going to try to work on this relationship.  Based on the book, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, I will need to listen to this person's perceptions, even if I'm likely to hear many things that are paranoid and unflattering.  I'll need to let this person vent his emotions and not react, even if it gets ugly.   And I'll have to listen to their point of view, even if I don't agree.  I'll try to find some truth in his perceptions, some validity to his demands, some value to his goals.  And I'll have to calmly tell him my honest perceptions of him, tell him my emotions towards him, and express my point of view, even if he doesn't like it.

Only then will we be ready to talk about how to reach any goals together.

Fix these first

When we are negotiating, the book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In suggest we address relationship issues separately from the thing we are negotiating about.  In other words, address relationship issues apart from addressing who wants what and why do they want it.  Address the relationships separately and, if possible, before the actual negotiation.  So what are the relationship issues we should address?

The authors list three main areas.  In each of these three areas, it isn't just about fixing "the other guy".  It can also be about fixing yourself.  Both parties often have room for improvement.  Also, it helps to make the first move because you can control when this happens and because it often encourages "the other guy" to reciprocate.  A little humility, some willingness to make the first move, saves you a lot of time versus waiting for the other person to do what you think they SHOULD do.

• The first area is "perception".  What you want is for each party's perception to be as positive and empathetic about the "other guy" as the facts allow. 
• First, you should examine whether any of your negative opinions might be wrong.  You should try to understand things from the other person's point of view.  And you should think of the positive aspects of the other person.
• Second, as much as possible, you want to improve their perceptions of you.  The authors recommend approaching the "other guy" to discuss your perceptions of each other.  When they hear the ways you are trying to form a more positive understanding of them, they are likely to reciprocate.  The other approach the authors recommend is to act in ways that "prove them wrong".  If you know they have a negative opinion of you in an area, show them that they are wrong.  As I wrote in my last blog, I did this with someone I'm starting to negotiate with by deliberately explaining ideas that I thought would impress him in an area which he previously had expressed a low opinion of me.
• The second area is "emotion".  Things can get too emotional in a relationship to allow rational deal-making to take place.
• First, recognize and understand your own emotion.  Try to understand their emotion as well.
• Discuss with the other party your emotions and theirs.  
• Let the other side vent first, without reacting to any emotional outburst that they have.  Again, if you make the first move, you are in control of the rate at which you make progress, and the other side tends to allow you to reciprocate.
• The third area is "communication".
• Listen actively to their point of view, again being willing to make the first move.
• Speak up about your point of view.  Listening is not enough.  Use "I" language versus accusatory "you" language so that they will be more willing to accept your message.

Start with a handshake

As I wrote in my last blog, the first step in negotiating is deciding who I need to deal with.  And that it's common for me to make the wrong choice here.  I should address whoever has the power to make the decision I want them to make.  Instead, I deal with people close to that decision maker, people who can't make the decision but are friends of mine.  I'm hoping they will advocate for what I want.  I need to form a habit, instead, of dealing with the person who can close the deal.

Assuming I make the right choice in the future, and I approach the person with the authority to give me what I want, now what?  Start with a handshake.  Start with the relationship.

The book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In is the most acclaimed book ever on negotiating.  The authors have a four part method for negotiating in any situation from a hostage crisis to a business deal to how late my teenage son can be out with the car.  The first part involves relationship.  They call it "Separate the People from the Problem".

In essence, they say that too many people plunge straight into the problem:  What are they trying to achieve?  What are they asking for?  What is their bargaining position?

Ury and Fisher say that all negotiations involve human beings.  If you don't work on the human side--the relationship--you aren't likely to solve the problem.  This doesn't mean that you have to be best friends.  But their must be some amount of trust and communication to do something as simple as haggling for a old lamp at a yard sale.  And the authors recommend addressing this aspect of the negotiation consciously and SEPARATELY from the actual deal you are trying to make.

I put this into practice the other day.  The person I REALLY needed to deal with was someone I didn't want to talk to.  He used to work in our part of the company.  Years ago, I wanted a different position at work and heard that he had lobbied against me.  I got the position anyway, but I was upset that he had tried to keep me from landing the job.  I don't think he knows that I know what happened, but I still wasn't looking forward to talking to him.

But I called him anyway and, taking the advice of Ury and Fisher, I chose to work on the relationship first.  We talked family and eventually got to business, but even then I focused more on listening to him and establishing a bond and a sense of mutual respect than arguing my own point of view.  We can debate later.

Talk to the Boss

I long to be a better negotiator at work.  I'm probably average among my peers, but I see this as one of the biggest opportunities I have to make a bigger impact.  I have trouble persuading plants to staff roles, improve systems, develop skills, and take actions that I know are in their best interest.  Lots of people around me are in the same position.  It's not easy to persuade people who don't work for you to invest their time or their resources when they lack both.  But I'm sure I can do better.

The first thing I need is to engage the right people.  I tend to talk to the people I know well, but these are often NOT the people who make the budget and staffing decisions.  These are my friends in the manufacturing plants, the people I work with to solve problems.  But the plant managers who are NOT working on the production floor are the ones who own the budgets.  Like many others around me, I think I often wait too long to face the reality that I'm preaching to the wrong choir.  I may convince my project contacts that something is worthwhile, but I've got to convince their leadership and doing this indirectly is the slow road to success.

The same thing is true outside of the plants with central, corporate leadership.  It's easier to get my peers to sympathize with my position and together to moan about how leadership "just doesn't get it".  Instead, we all need to develop relationships with those at higher levels that make it easier for us to approach them when we really need to sell them on our ideas.

Picking your next step

In the time management book, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, David Allen emphasizes the importance of the very next action that will move you to completing each of your goals.  He points out that this isn't easy.  He suggests you take your time to make the right choice.

I took Allen's advice in the last couple of days with a staffing issue at work.  We're losing some corporate support for a computer system.  I think we need to create a new role to make up for the lost support.  But it's not my decision.  It's not my budget.  I'm not involved in the groups that make these decisions.

I was tempted to just e-mail my proposal to the people I know well who might be able to influence the decision.  Just start communicating to the first person that pops into my head.  But I decided, instead, to really think about the BEST people to talk to about this and the best way to reach out to them.  This led me to reach out to one person after another, all of whom were people I did NOT know well, people I am NOT comfortable with, but people who have turned out to be exactly the people I needed to work this with.  In just 2 days, I've built a lot of momentum to get this role staffed.  Had I not carefully picked each of my next steps, one at a time, had I just plunged ahead with the actions that came most naturally to me, I'm sure I wouldn't be this close this quickly to convincing the organization to staff this role.

If I was in the band

I try to meditate 20 minutes per day, and my favorite practice is to slip on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and listen to instrumental music on Pandora.com.  This isn't a traditional meditation practice, but give me one reason it isn't just as valid as sitting in a Lotus position focusing on my breath?

The main thing I like to do when meditating with music is to imagine that music is coming out of me, that I'm creating the sound to express emotions inside of me.  I want to experience the same feelings I would have if I was in the band.  If I was playing the guitar or the piano, and the music is deeply emotional, how would I feel?  I try to imagine that this is real, that sounds of the violin, the guitar, or the sax are coming from my deepest emotions.  I breathe in and breathe out and imagine myself taking in and releasing the sound that I'm hearing.

Of course it's a fantasy.  But I still get something from sucking in the feelings with each inhale and pushing them out with each exhale as if I was on stage. 

Grateful Parenting

I just realized yet another advantage of being grateful.  It can make me a better parent.

Whenever I list the things in my life that have gone well in the last week, I've found that many of those things involve my 12 and 14 year old boys.  I'm grateful that I'm seeing signs of social skills in my oldest boy, as he's matured, that I was afraid might never appear (after all, plenty of adults never gain social graces).  I'm grateful that he's found after school activities that--compared to his academic and other interests--will give him far more opportunities to develop leadership skills.  I'm grateful that my youngest is adapting well to his first year at a new school and has also joined an after school club.  And I'm grateful for the genuine hugs he give Chris and I every morning and every night before he goes to bed.  He's the rare pre-teen who's not afraid to be a loving little kid.

So how does this gratitude make me a better parent?  All the parenting books I've read urge parents to focus on the positive.  Praise when a kid does the RIGHT thing is far more beneficial than discipline when a kid does the WRONG thing.  It's not that you shouldn't discipline.  It's just that praise should happen MUCH more often.  It is much wiser to say, "Spare the praise, spoil the child", than to say, "Spare the rod, spoil the child."  What gratitude exercises have done for me is that they've helped me NOTICE when my kids to the right thing.  Until recently, I've found it hard to do this.  What has gotten my attention is when they make a mess, argue with each other, refuse to help us, and so on.  I've wanted to focus on the positive, but have often failed.  Lately, however, I feel the gratitude exercises have given me practice at seeing my kids strengths, the ways they are improving, and their accomplishments.  I then start to notice much more often the things they do right so that I more often seize an opportunity to tell them I'm proud of them.

Twice the Time Together

I feel as if Chris and I have doubled our quality time together, and it's only taken us another 30 minutes per day.  We've developed a habit for the last few months of spending time together before I go off to work.  I'm lucky enough to have a job that I can shift to arriving later and leaving later to make up for it.  Some days we exercise, others we walk the dogs, and others we watch one of our favorite shows or finish watching a movie.  It's only 30 minutes, but it feels as if we've doubled our bonding time compared to the past when we could only be together after the kids went to bed.

Great! She's mad!

Someone got mad at me today at work, and I was glad.  I knew instantly that it was an opportunity to gain credibility and trust, to gain an ally for something I'm doing at work.

Let's call her Linda. I've been developing a computer program.  Linda was at a meeting a few weeks ago in which we voted to take the program a certain direction.  Later, I had to change the strategy.  She found out about this today and was furious.  She sent an e-mail to a variety of people at her plant site saying that she could no longer support the use of the program because of this change.

Someone else at the plant called to warn me about Linda's e-mail.  He was worried about my reaction.

Not to worry.  I knew that I had no choice except to change the program.  So I sent Linda an Instant Message asking for a chance to talk.  I hate conflict, but I was looking forward to this.  Linda doesn't know me well.  I'm not even sure we've been introduced.  I'm higher ranking in the organization.  I felt as if I couldn't lose.  She'd appreciate me taking her feedback very seriously and taking the time to explain why I had to change the program.

I spent 45 minutes showing her the program changes.  I kept telling myself to project how much I valued her input as an end user of the system and to project that it was worth my while to spend all that time with her one on one to make sure she understood the approach and was aligned.

I'm sure it worked.  I've gained an ally on the front lines at this site, someone who'll persuade others that the program is worth using.  It was worth every minute of my time.

Eat Your Veggies!

We've tried and failed for years to get our boys, who are now 12 and 14, to eat more fruits and vegetables.  Nagging them hasn't helped, and it is counter to everything I've been reading about motivating kids--or anyone for that matter--to take action.  I keep reading in The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children: Parenting from the Heart and in other books that I need to get the kids to believe that what I'm asking them to do is really something that they WANT to do.

So, a few months ago, I told my oldest that I didn't want to just nag him to eat better.  I wanted eating better to be something that matters to HIM so that he keeps doing it when he moves out of the house in a few years.  I asked him why it isn't important to him yet.

His answer surprised me.  He said he thinks he gets plenty of protein from milk, he's obviously got enough calories, and then takes vitamins to complete his nutrition.  Protein, carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals--what else is there?

I started to do some research and finally came across the book Eat, Drink, and Be Healthy: The Harvard Medical School Guide to Healthy Eating.  The chapter called, "Eat Plenty of Fruits and Vegetables" says it all.  Just 12 pages long, and he may forever have a new appreciation for why fruits and veggies matter.  The author, Walter Willett, describes all the research showing how a diet high in fruits and vegetables is associated with longevity and lower rates of cancer, cardiovascular, digestive, and eye diseases.  He points out that human diets were dominated by plants until only very recently and that we seem to have evolved high dependence on a huge variety of plant substances.  But best of all for addressing my sons vitamin pill challenge, Willett says that we've only discovered a small fraction of the plant nutrients that lead to all these health benefits.  These nutrients are NOT in our vitamin pills.  There are way too many of them.  Even if we isolated them all in years to come, it is likely that we couldn't pop enough pills to really cover them all.

Further, there isn't just one or even just a handful of fruits and vegetables that will cover all the health benefits for your diet.  There are many classes of these foods that each seem to provide different benefits as shown in different studies.  You have to mix it up.  Mix up the colors, the textures, the roots and the fruits.  Sorry, son, there are no short cuts, no Flinstones vitamins that are going to do this for you.

His diet hasn't changed much yet, but he's been more willing to try things and I think he's really convinced now that a change will do him good.

Count your curses

Chris and I have a dear friend who is prone to severe depression.  More than anyone I know, I think she would rather "count her curses" rather than "count her blessings".  If she would only stop focusing on what is less than perfect about her mom, her step dad, her job, her friends, her apartment, etc., I think she could be a happy person.  She's beautiful, healthy, young, smart, and charming when she's not in a deep funk.  I've told her she has a smile like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman", that flashes when you least expect it and makes lights up a whole room.

But she latches on to anything that is less than perfect in her life and broods about it.  She counts her curses.  "This sucks about my job.  This also sucks.  This is a 3rd thing that sucks.  A 4th, 5th, 6th.  Here's the 10,000,000,000,000th thing or person I don't like about my job".  She just finished counting her curses.  Big surprise:  she starts to get depressed!

She's got a great job.  If she tried, she could list 10,000,000,000,001 great things about it.  She could count her blessings instead of her curses.  I'm sure she'd feel 100% better.  Similarly, she's been hyperfocused on the dark side of friends, family members, and other situations in her life.

I know she'd be happier if she spent time every day brainstorming all the good things in all the major aspects of her life.  Based on the research in The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, I'd advise her to also pick one day a week to REALLY crank up her contemplation of the good things in her life.

But she won't do it.  I know what would help an alcoholic become healthier.  Stop drinking.  But it isn't that easy for them.  The destructive habits they have serve another purpose for them that is hard to let go of.

So what is the "other purpose" of counting your curses?  What benefit does it give to people like my friend?  If you find fault with your job, your friends, your family, your genes, and everything else around you, then you can blame these outside factors for everything that isn't up to par in your life.  Gratitude, on the other hand, takes courage.  If you "count your blessings", you admit that you are blessed.  You admit that you have been given opportunities.  Then, if your life isn't the way you want it to be, you have to own this.

Gratitude implies responsibility.  I can't be grateful and point fingers at the same time.  If I count my blessings, I leave myself holding the bag, fully accountable for the situations in my life that I'm not satisfied with.

So my friend might have a simple shortcut to happiness:  she can count her blessings instead of her curses.  But she won't take the shortcut.  It might take years of therapy before she's willing to take this shortcut of cultivating gratitude and accepting the responsibility that goes with it.

Gratitude Every Second

Research described in The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want and other books shows that there are habits which increase your happiness, but give you the most benefit when done just once per week.  These habits include writing in a gratitude journal, doing acts of kindness, and picturing success in the future.  If you push yourself beyond your normal limits in these areas, once per week, you get big advantages that you don't get from daily routines that don't vary in intensity.

But much of what I believe in suggests that it isn't just once per week that matters.  Every second matters.  Moment to moment, we need to have the right thoughts, actions, and feelings.  This is the theme of Buddhism and of books such as The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment that form the core of my philosophy.  How do I reconcile this "be here now" philosophy with the data revealing the power of weekly rituals?

I think that there is no conflict.  Weekly rituals later on lead to better choices moment to moment.  Weekly bouts of gratitude, in which I think of many things that are wonderful in my life, cause me to be more grateful the rest of the week, moment to moment.

Perhaps my favorite part of Buddha's Eightfold Path is "Right Effort".  "Right Effort" involves, first, tuning in to one's body and mind.  Next, you pick the thoughts or actions that will improve your mind and body.  You strive to avoid or put an end to unwholesome states--guilt, anger, indigestion.  You seek to start or build on wholesome states--joy, compassion, gratitude.  If you master "Right Effort", you do this all the time, cultivating a heightened awareness and vigilance that would put a martial artist or a warrior to shame.

This is one place I can apply the techniques of "The How of Happiness".  When I ask myself, "What thoughts and actions can I apply now to improve my state of mind?", I can respond by counting my blessings, reaching out to another person, meditating, or envisioning future success.  As I've described in early blog postings, I will emphasize these things even more than usual once per week.  The research shows that this weekly emphasis increases the power of the techniques.  But moment to moment, I'll return to these techniques whenever I manage to remember to tune into my current state and look for a way to improve it.  

This is what this entire website is all about.  This is what I mean by "Embrace Your Changing Self".

Happiness and the In-box

As much I liked the book The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, I think the author missed at least one key "how".  The "hows" described in the book tended to be behaviors that are easily tested, such as testing the effects of meditation or writing in a gratitude journal.  They involved a simple activity that you could ask a bunch of people to do and then compare them to a control group that doesn't do the activity.

One "how" that I feel the author missed is the "how" of a good time management system, such as the system described in Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity that I've written about many times before.  I'm convinced that this system has made me much happier in the last few months by helping me process my "in-boxes" (paper, electronic, and even commitments made in a meeting or over the phone), so that the in-boxes become empty.  The actions implied by all that input, instead of hiding in a huge batch of e-mail messages, are now organized into plans that I address much more efficiently than I have in the past.  This leaves me feeling more in control.  I'm more confident that there isn't something important I should be doing but can't remember.  I think people who depend on me feel more confident that they CAN depend on me.  And I feel as if I'm better able to align my actions with the things I really value.  This type of time management system may not appear in the "How of Happiness" book, or similar books such as Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment because implementing a time management system is such a complex effort, that it isn't easy to test one group of people versus a control group that didn't implement the system.

The other "Hows" of Happiness

Of all the techniques for increasing happiness in the book The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, I'm putting most of my focus on the techniques involving regularly counting my blessings, imagining future success, practicing good deeds, and investing in relationships--especially beyond my immediate family.  Of all the "hows" that this book says are experimentally proven to boost happiness, these "hows" seem to have the most potential for me.

But before I move on to other books in this blog, I should list the other "secrets of happiness" described in this book.  For me, they either are something I already do reasonably often or things that will get "covered" by the practices that I have decided to focus on.  The techniques are:

• "Avoid Overthinking" (especially anxious, guilty, or regretful thoughts)
• "Develop Strategies for Coping"
• "Learning to Forgive"
• "Increasing Flow Experiences" (activities where you lose yourself in what you're doing)
• "Savoring Life's Joys"
• "Committing to Your Goals".
• "Practice Religion and Spirituality".
• "Meditate"
• "Physical Exercise"
• "Act Like a Happy Person"

Just my luck

Years ago, I tried to keep a gratitude journal but quickly gave up.  It was often hard to think of things to write.  In hindsight, I realize I was needlessly limiting my choices.  I took "gratitude" literally to mean I had to think of things that I would thank someone for.  Now that I realize I can be grateful for simple luck, the choices are endless.  There are so many great things in my life that didn't involve anyone going out of there way just for me.  I'm just in a fortunate situation.  When I think of these things, I become optimistic, I feel fortunate, I habitually notice nice things that I might otherwise have missed.

A few great things that happen to be in my life:

• Pandora radio.  Amazing to be able to create commercial free radio for any type of music I like.
• Noise canceling headphones.
• A nice neighborhood.
• One of my family members needs some alternative medicine.  It's good to live in a city large enough to find it.
• Living in a time when you can get so much information so easily.
• All the business, family, and self help books that I'm addicted to.
• A great public school for my kids.
• Working at a company that values integrity.
• Modern medicine and health.
• Fall colors

There will be times when my life situation gets worse--much worse--but a habit of brainstorming all the things that are RIGHT with the world will help me stay upbeat.

Thanks to Good Luck

The book The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want describes experiments showing that people will be happier if they think about the things in life they are grateful for.  But what if you are grateful for something and there is nobody to thank?  What if good things happened to you, but it was just luck?  Are you still being "grateful" when you celebrate good luck and there is nobody you can thank?

For me, it feels the same.  I get a positive feeling when I thank my wife for a wonderful dinner.  But I got a similar feeling when I was walking the dogs yesterday morning and I saw rays of sunlight cutting through fog to light up a red maple tree.  I was glad that I happened to be there to see that.  Noticing the good things around me, even if I just got lucky, even if there is nobody I can thank, still feels to me like an exercise in cultivating gratitude.

The Wisdom of the Sabbath

I'm a Buddhist, but reading The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want has given me a new appreciation for the wisdom of the Sabbath.  The Jewish and Christian faiths have sometimes been mocked for their emphasis on weekly religious services.  Critics say that too many people attend church on Sundays or synagogues on Saturdays, then return to very non-spiritual lives the rest of the week.  But I think these critics are underestimating the power of weekly ritual.

The most shocking thing, to me, about the research described in the "How of Happiness" is that many activities are more powerful when practiced once per week than they are when practiced daily.  It's as if the weekly rhythm makes the rituals more special.

According to the research, there are several activities that can make you measurably happier if you do them every week, but make NO difference if you do them every day without variation.  Contemplating or writing down the things you are grateful for.  Imagining the many ways you and your loved ones might succeed in the future.  Going out of your way to help others.  Naturally, it's good to be appreciative every day, to be optimistic every day, and to always be kind.  But it's a matter of degree.  Apparently, all of these things make you much happier if you take them to a higher level than normal once per week.

This research makes me respect the tradition of the Sabbath.  I don't think it is a coincidence that traditions developed in which one day per week was devoted to reflection, to appreciation of God and life, to prayers for the future.  I think people learned many years ago that the perfect rhythm for some rituals is a weekly beat.

A little help from my friends

According to The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, "The happier a person is, the more likely he or she is to have a large circle of friends or companions, a romantic partner, and ample social support."  There are no big surprises in the author's recommendations for nurturing these relationships:  make time for each other, express appreciation and affection, celebrate each other's successes, share openly.

You really DO reap what you sow

The book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want describes several experiments showing that subjects became measurably happier, and maintained this happiness for months, if--once per week--they were EXTRA nice.  One day per week the subjects deliberately did five more acts of kindness than they would normally do.  The good deeds could be small or big, public or anonymous.  All that mattered was that the participants kept varying the good deeds so that they didn't become a chore.

What if the people already were habitually nice?  Did they still become measurably happier if they spent one day a week being EXTRA nice?  Yes.  The boost happened regardless of whether the subjects were habitually nice or habitually callous.  I'd bet that, in general, nice guys are happier than jerks, but the evidence suggests that if you want a BIG boost in happiness, take your good deeds to a higher level once a week.

Will I try this technique myself or encourage my family to do it?  Probably not yet.  We're already doing some of the other things recommended in the book such as weekly reflection on the things we're grateful for.  The author of the "How of Happiness" suggests picking just a few of her techniques at a time so that you notice the results and make a lifelong commitment to your new habits.

Knowing where I'm going

I wrote last time about research showing that people are measurably happier if they spend a few minutes writing about how they would like their future to turn out.  Look ahead a few months, a year, maybe 5 years.

I think this would help me in two ways.  Not only would I be happier.  But I might do a better job of figuring out what I want long term.  I tend to focus on just the next month or two, without a clear plan for the long term.  Sometimes I think this hurts me at work.  I've had bosses who greatly appreciate the work I'm doing now but seem frustrated because they don't understand my long term vision for the areas I'm responsible to lead.  It probably hurts me at home, too.  Where do I want our family to go on vacation before the kids go off to college in five years?  What are our other long term goals?  It often seems that my wife does this longer term planning while I just play it by ear.  Spending time once per week picturing the future could help me get more control of the long term.

If everything goes right

The next proven way to be happy that is described in The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want involves picturing the best possible future for yourself in all the main parts of your life.  The technique works best if done in writing.  One researcher, Laura King, a professor at the University of Missouri-Columbia, had some subjects write about "their best possible selves" for 20 minutes per day for 4 days.  She had the control group write for 20 minutes as well, but they just wrote about other topics.  The people who described their best possible future were happier than the control group not only during the 4 day period but also for several weeks after the experiment was over.

One thing I like about the technique as described in the book:  you're supposed to imagine realistic, plausible best case scenarios.  You don't imagine yourself winning a Nobel Prize or conquering world hunger if these things aren't within reach.  Instead, you think, "Here's something that COULD easily happen that I would really like."  This is key for me because then I don't feel like I'm kidding myself.  The whole thing wouldn't work for me if I didn't really believe these dreams were within reach.

Just like the gratitude journal writing, I like the return on investment for this.  Spend just a few minutes once per week and gain a more optimistic outlook that stays with me the rest of the week?  Count me in!  This is another item that I'd like to incorporate into our weekly family meetings with the kids.  I can't ask them to write in journals every day, but I can ask them just once per week to describe what they are grateful for and then to tell the rest of the family something that they'd like to see happen for them in the next few years.

Thanksgiving Every Week

As I mentioned in my last post, the book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want describes an experiment involving expressing gratitude in writing.  Some of the subjects in the experiment wrote down, once per week, five things they were grateful for.  They did this for 10 weeks.  The people in the control group wrote also once per week, but on any topic they wanted.  Those who listed what they were grateful for were measurably happier than the control group, and even had some physical health benefits.  This almost seems to me to be too good to be true.  But there is another way to think about it.

Thanksgiving happens just once per year.  Traditionally, people will talk about what they are grateful for.  It is a deeply cherished holiday, suggesting it has a real impact on people.  So is it really that hard to believe that a weekly gratitude journal would have a big impact on a person?  Isn't that like having Thanksgiving every week?

The How of Gratitude

The first "secret of happiness" recommended by this book is so easy that it feels like cheating!  It involves thinking grateful thoughts.  This can mean a constant sense of appreciation and gratitude, but it can also be as ridiculously easy as writing down 5 good things that happened to you once per week for 10 weeks in a row!  That would take, what, 30 seconds per week?  And yet that study found a measurable increase in happiness relative to the control group, more time spent exercising, and fewer physical symptoms such as headaches or coughing.  Other studies found similar results with similar tiny investments of time and effort by the subjects of the study.

Why does a small amount of practice thinking grateful thoughts provide a measurable boost to the average person's happiness?  According to the author, the number one reason grateful thoughts make such a difference is that they help you appreciate the good things that happen to you for a much longer time.  The author refers to something psychologists call "hedonistic adaptation".  This is a fancy way to say that most of us quickly get used to the changes in our lives, whether these changes are good or bad.  We feel happier or sadder for a while, but then return to our usual typical level of happiness.

Grateful people, on the other hand, continue to express how glad they are about their marriage, their promotion at work, their favorite television shows, their health, and their best friends.  They get more of a happiness boost from these things, and they sustain that boost much longer.

So how does one become more grateful?  The author's studies, and similar studies by other researchers, actually found that people who wrote in a gratitude journal just once per week gained more of a boost than people who wrote daily.  She speculates that subjects who wrote more often probably became more bored with their gratitude journals.

What do I want to do with this information?  We want to start weekly family meetings again sometime soon.  If we make each person in the family describe 5 things that they are grateful for, the studies suggest this alone will help us all become more grateful in general and happier.  But I do consider this a minimum.  I also want to continue other practices that I've been doing based on other books that are likely to further reinforce a sense of gratitude in my family and friends.  For instance The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children: Parenting from the Heart recommends steering ordinary conversations, whenever they arrive, away from the negative and toward the positive.  When the kids are complaining about things, address these issues as needed but don't dwell on them.  Redirect them to the good things that happened during the day, the people they like, the stuff that's going well.  This works for kids, friends, people at work, and strangers.  It's a great way to spread a sense of gratitude to everyone you interact with.

The Happiness Pie

I just started reading The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want.  Sometimes my kids think that your happiness is mainly due to circumstances and luck, versus accepting the idea that their own habitual attitudes and thought patterns could play a role.  Does happiness just "happen" to them, or can they boost it by developing habits such as counting their blessings, imagining themselves reaching their goals, meditating, or practicing random acts of kindness?  In keeping with other books I've been reading, I don't want to just nag them into doing these things.  I want them to read solid, persuasive research that motivates them to cultivate these habits.

The first part of the book discusses the Happiness Pie.  The image on the cover shows the pie.  According to the author, studies have shown that, if you consider large groups of people, about 50% of the variation in their levels of happiness can be explained by heredity, 10% by temporary changes in their circumstances, and 40% by habits that anyone can easily develop.   (These are averages, of course.  If you have terminal cancer, this might become 80% of your individual pie).

These estimates are based on numerous studies of happiness by psychologists in the last couple of decades.  Studies of identical twins raised in different homes and families, in particular, have helped researchers estimate the distinct contribution of genetics to a person's typical level of happiness.

The easiest opportunities to boost your happiness lie in the 40% of the happiness pie generated by easily acquired habits.  This 40% is the tempting slice of the pie you see in the image on the cover.  You might be born with genes that predispose you to be relatively happy or relatively unhappy.  That's 50% of the pie.  You have no control over this.  Your current circumstances account for, on average, 10% of the pie.  You have some control of this part of your happiness.  But then you've got another 40% you can easily influence through your mental and behavioral habits.  This is the easy opportunity to boost your happiness that the author encourages readers to pursue.

How confident am I that the authors have these percentages right?  How solid is the research?  How precise can they really be?  I don't know, but does it really matter?  The numbers may not be exactly 50% genetic, 10% circumstance, and 40% mental habits, but my gut says that these percentages are plausible.  I see people who seem naturally happy or sad.  This fits with the 50% genetic idea.  It feels to me as if most people eventually return to about the same level of happiness even when their circumstances change (illness, jobs, family, etc.).  This fits with the idea that circumstances only account for 10%.  And then I've seen people permanently shift their happiness when they've changed their habitual attitudes and thoughts.  This fits with the 40% estimate.

The author spends most of the rest of the book discussing the habits anyone can learn which unleash the 40% of your potential happiness.  She describes 12 habits in all, and provides supporting research and practical recommendations for each of them.  I'll be writing about these habits in my next few blogs.

Enlightenment--Human Waterfalls

If I manage to see you as you really are, I see that nothing in you stays the same from moment to moment.  Every moment you are reborn.  This keeps you fresh and interesting, as engaging to tune into as a stream or waterfall.

If I see you as you really are, I see that you are not your name.  You are much more than any name, any words can describe.  Any names or words are just simplified "models" to help me interact with you.  But when I see you as you really are, I see that you are infinitely more complex.

If I see you as you really are, I see that you are not separate from me.  Your thoughts influence my thoughts, and mine influence yours.  Your feelings are contagious, and you "catch" my emotions as well.  We are intertwined.

If I see you as you really are, I can truly listen to you.

Enlightenment--how language fools us

Many authors, Buddhist and otherwise, blame language for cutting us off from reality.  In almost any language, people speak in terms of subject and object:  "I went for a walk"; "I ran a mile"; "I talked to my friend".  By implication, "I" am separate and independent from the things and people I'm interacting with.  And I speak this way hundreds of times a day, every day, starting at the age of 3.  It's no wonder I start to take for granted the myth that I'm in my own world, that it's me and the rest of reality, and that I'm separate and independent.

Similarly, our language uses words to "stand for" things and people.  The words are always simpler than the things they represent.  But we confuse the word for the thing itself.  As the founder of General Semantics, Alfred Korzybski famously said, we forget that "the map is not the territory" and "the word is not the thing".  We see the world through the filter of our words.  Korzybski, like Buddha, urged people to cultivate their awareness of this fact, awareness that what we see around us is largely our ideas about our reality, rather than reality itself.

Enlightenment is this:  to use words but to recognize their limitations.  To use words because they are convenient, but to recognize that "I" am not separate from the rest of reality, and that nothing is as simple as the word or name I use to describe it.  Use the words, but don't be fooled by them.  And, when time permits, quiet the mind, stop the words in meditation, and see reality as it is.