Fix these first

When we are negotiating, the book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In suggest we address relationship issues separately from the thing we are negotiating about.  In other words, address relationship issues apart from addressing who wants what and why do they want it.  Address the relationships separately and, if possible, before the actual negotiation.  So what are the relationship issues we should address?

The authors list three main areas.  In each of these three areas, it isn't just about fixing "the other guy".  It can also be about fixing yourself.  Both parties often have room for improvement.  Also, it helps to make the first move because you can control when this happens and because it often encourages "the other guy" to reciprocate.  A little humility, some willingness to make the first move, saves you a lot of time versus waiting for the other person to do what you think they SHOULD do.

• The first area is "perception".  What you want is for each party's perception to be as positive and empathetic about the "other guy" as the facts allow. 
• First, you should examine whether any of your negative opinions might be wrong.  You should try to understand things from the other person's point of view.  And you should think of the positive aspects of the other person.
• Second, as much as possible, you want to improve their perceptions of you.  The authors recommend approaching the "other guy" to discuss your perceptions of each other.  When they hear the ways you are trying to form a more positive understanding of them, they are likely to reciprocate.  The other approach the authors recommend is to act in ways that "prove them wrong".  If you know they have a negative opinion of you in an area, show them that they are wrong.  As I wrote in my last blog, I did this with someone I'm starting to negotiate with by deliberately explaining ideas that I thought would impress him in an area which he previously had expressed a low opinion of me.
• The second area is "emotion".  Things can get too emotional in a relationship to allow rational deal-making to take place.
• First, recognize and understand your own emotion.  Try to understand their emotion as well.
• Discuss with the other party your emotions and theirs.  
• Let the other side vent first, without reacting to any emotional outburst that they have.  Again, if you make the first move, you are in control of the rate at which you make progress, and the other side tends to allow you to reciprocate.
• The third area is "communication".
• Listen actively to their point of view, again being willing to make the first move.
• Speak up about your point of view.  Listening is not enough.  Use "I" language versus accusatory "you" language so that they will be more willing to accept your message.