It's a Wonderful Life

Over the holidays, for the first time, our family watched Frank Capra's wonderful Christmas classic movie, "It's a Wonderful Life".  What a film.

Jimmy Stewart played the lead role of George Bailey.  I felt that the theme of the film was how--if you are a person who makes choices with family, friends, and community in mind--it is easy to feel cheated.  It is easy to feel as if you never have control.

In the movie, George compromised all his life out of love.  He gave up college so that his brother could go instead.  He gave up travel to Europe for his brother and his community.  He gave up an idyllic honeymoon to prevent a collapse of the neighborhood bank.  When things got really bad, George was ready to commit suicide.  He felt that the proceeds from his life insurance would be worth more to his family than his own life.

The angel, Clarence, showed him how much his life was really worth.  Clarence showed him the positive impact of his choices on his brother, his family, and his community.  George came to realize that all the compromises he had made, all the sacrifices for the greater good, were still HIS choices.  He saw that, as he made these choices, he was in control.  He reflected on the life that he had been resenting.  And he realized that "It's a Wonderful Life."

This reminds me of something I described in a post in November.  I was talking about the feeling that we get when we have a family that it is never OUR time, that everything we do is for our families or for our work, that we've lost control.  Here's a link to that post:  http://embraceyourchangingself.blogspot.com/2011/11/when-is-it-my-time.html

In that post, I noted that it helps to make sure that we do a few things entirely for ourselves.  Not for family.  Not for community.  Not for work.  Just do a few things for ourselves.  If we do this, we're more likely to see that ALL the choices we make are in our control, that they ALL are what we want to do, even when they involve sacrifice for the family or the community.  If George Bailey had--at least once--indulged his passions and taken a trip to Europe, he might not have come so close to jumping off a bridge.

Letting go of Demands

How does one let go of demands?  In my last post, I discussed the benefits of preferring, rather than demanding, that things turn out the way we want them to.  But how do we do this?  When we seek our goals with passion, if things don't go as planned, how do we react with serene acceptance (preferring) rather than frustration or disappointment (demanding)?

I feel that at least part of the answer is to cultivate an awareness of change.  Awareness that nothing stays exactly the same moment to moment.  As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, "You can never step in the same river twice."  And when we see that this is true of our health, our relationships, our careers, our communities, our natural environment, and everything else, it becomes easier to set goals in all these areas and accept that the outcome might not be exactly as we wish or expect.

I think this is part of how the practice of Buddhism has "worked" over the centuries, how it has helped practitioners be at least a little bit happier than they would have been without the practice.  Buddhist practitioners contemplate Buddha's teachings about the impermanent nature of everything.  These teachings help them cultivate intellectual awareness of constant change.  To add to that intellectual awareness, they meditate.  And as they meditate, they sense the coming and going of their thoughts, of itching, of leg cramps, of back pains, of the relaxation that comes with exhaling, of the pleasure of a deep inhale, of their agitation or sadness or happiness or worry, of sounds, of sights and smells.  And thus they experience the reality of constant change.  And if they do this daily, they cultivate an emotional understanding of flow that reinforces their intellectual understanding.  And then, if they strive at work or at home or in their communities to reach new goals, they are less likely to be surprised or disappointed if things change in ways that they did not expect.  Knowing that all of reality is a rushing river, they are less likely to demand control.

No Demands

A few weeks ago, Chris and I had a huge argument with one of my kids.  The exact reason isn't important.  What mattered is that he had insisted on getting his way on something, we refused to give in, and he had a MAJOR meltdown that ruined the evening for the whole family.

The next day, I talked to him at length about the downside of insisting that things turn out the way you want them to, of demanding that you get your way, of having a meltdown when life doesn't give you want you want.  I talked to him about replacing all rigid demands in life with preferences.  They may be strong preferences, things that you REALLY want and will struggle mightily to achieve.  But--when they are preferences--if you ultimately don't get what you want, you can accept this.  It doesn't destroy you.

To make the point to him, I read to him a key chapter from Ken Keyes book, "The Power of Unconditional Love".  This entire book is about replacing what Keyes calls your "demanding programming" with "preferential programming".  To Keyes, this is the fundamental secret for avoiding self-imposed misery.  The more you demand from life, the more unhappy you become when things turn out differently than you hoped.  If, instead, you prefer things to turn out a certain way, you still strive to grow, learn, and achieve, but you are better prepared for disappointment.  This is the wisdom we hope for when we read the "Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to always know the difference.

Reaching my Goals by Helping You with Yours

I'm starting to believe what seems to be a contradiction.  The fastest way to reach my goals at work is to spend some time focusing on other goals:  the goals of the other person.

It truly is a virtuous circle, one that creates far more success for everyone than would be possible if each of us focused only on what we want.  Every time I go on a business trip and hyper-focus on my priorities, I make slow progress. I've been learning, instead, that even if I spend most of my time executing my plans and going after my goals, I always get more done if I spend a lot of time on other people's goals.  If I ask people about their lives, their projects, and if I find ways to help them reach their goals or at least make them feel that somebody cares, I always seem to meet more of my own needs.

It's as if 35 hours spent on my own projects plus 5 hours helping others with their own needs always gives me more results that if I spent 40 hours only on my interests.  Plus, it feels good.  It creates a feeling of collaboration, an energy and excitement that makes work feel like play.

Mutual Need

One of my favorite quotes from Keith Ferrazzi's book about networking called "Never Eat Alone" is the following:

"A network functions precisely because there's recognition of mutual need.  There's an implicit understanding that investing time and energy in building personal relationships with the right people will pay dividends." 

I'm finding that Ferrazzi is right.  When interacting with others at work, it's easy to focus almost all conversation on what it takes to deliver the project that has been assigned to me.  Why discuss anything else?  I was told to deliver a result--call it "X"--and now I'm calling people to get their help.  Seems logical, right?

But when I approach things this way, I usually find that my network of contacts isn't very motivated to help.  People don't show up to conference calls, don't meet deadlines, don't respond to e-mails.

What is missing?  An emphasis on mutual need.  I've been told to deliver "X".  My contacts around the country have been told by their bosses to deliver "Y".  If I only talk about "X" with my contacts, I'm talking about my needs and not theirs.  They usually have SOME interest in project "X", assuming the project is truly worth doing.  But it may not be as high a priority for them as it is for me.  If I'm going to engage my contacts, my interactions with them need to be more of a 2 way street.

I've had much better results when I have focused on mutual needs, when I've talked about my contacts' needs at least as much as I've talked about my own, when I've asked about their goals, interests, and concerns both at work and at home, and when I've found ways to help them with some of these goals.  One could argue that investing time in supporting these other goals isn't exactly what my hierarchy asked me to do; that it is a diversion away from my top priority, away from the bottom line results I've been asked to deliver with urgency.  But ironically the time I spend helping others with their projects, asking about their families and their health, deepening friendships will get me to my goals faster.  As Ferrazzi says in the quote above, in an effective network there is a shared understanding--almost a faith--that investing in relationships and supporting each other's needs "will pay dividends".  Because unlike a team that does not "gel", a team whose members skip meetings and miss deadlines, a team of friends will enthusiastically apply their talents to quickly deliver the goal.

Give and Ask For Help

I'm reading "Never Eat Alone" by Keith Ferrazzi.  The book is about how to network:  how to establish and build relationships that will help you meet your goals.  It would be easy to assume that the book is about playing politics, hypocritically approaching and flattering people you don't really care about just to get ahead.  That might be the way a lot of people network.  But Ferrazzi is a passionate teacher of a much more virtuous, and probably more effective form of networking.  His networking is based on generosity.

He believes that nothing builds relationships faster than helping others or asking for their help.  Listening to the needs of others with sincere interest and looking for opportunities to help them realize their dreams.  At the same time, eliminating any hesitation you may have to ask for help.

You may have been raised to rely only on yourself, to avoid "burdening" others with your problems.  You may have watched a few too many movies starring Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, or Gary Cooper.  Ferrazzi suggests you learn to shift from being self reliant to being reliant on others.  This is a key aspect of teamwork and of leadership.  It is a gift to others to offer them a chance to be generous and help you realize a worthwhile goal.

This feels to me like the essence of teamwork, the essence of leadership.  A leader offers help and asks for help.  In a recent article in Time magazine, a person who wrote a book about John F. Kennedy's presidency wrote that he felt Barrack Obama has not engaged the hearts of most Americans largely because he hasn't asked us to help him.  Kennedy, by contrast, created a feeling of personal connection when told us, "Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask what you can do for your country."

I tried to apply these ideas during a business trip last week.  The purpose of the trip was to run a test on some equipment.  Normally, I would have made the test my sole focus. But last week, I talked to someone about how his life has changed since he had open heart surgery five years ago, another person about his seven year old daughter's severe illness, and two young engineers about their current assignments and likely future assignments.  I also asked several people to help me with technical and human resource issues.  I think I deepened at least 5 or 6 relationships.  And I still got my testing finished.