No Demands

A few weeks ago, Chris and I had a huge argument with one of my kids.  The exact reason isn't important.  What mattered is that he had insisted on getting his way on something, we refused to give in, and he had a MAJOR meltdown that ruined the evening for the whole family.

The next day, I talked to him at length about the downside of insisting that things turn out the way you want them to, of demanding that you get your way, of having a meltdown when life doesn't give you want you want.  I talked to him about replacing all rigid demands in life with preferences.  They may be strong preferences, things that you REALLY want and will struggle mightily to achieve.  But--when they are preferences--if you ultimately don't get what you want, you can accept this.  It doesn't destroy you.

To make the point to him, I read to him a key chapter from Ken Keyes book, "The Power of Unconditional Love".  This entire book is about replacing what Keyes calls your "demanding programming" with "preferential programming".  To Keyes, this is the fundamental secret for avoiding self-imposed misery.  The more you demand from life, the more unhappy you become when things turn out differently than you hoped.  If, instead, you prefer things to turn out a certain way, you still strive to grow, learn, and achieve, but you are better prepared for disappointment.  This is the wisdom we hope for when we read the "Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to always know the difference.