Start with a handshake

As I wrote in my last blog, the first step in negotiating is deciding who I need to deal with.  And that it's common for me to make the wrong choice here.  I should address whoever has the power to make the decision I want them to make.  Instead, I deal with people close to that decision maker, people who can't make the decision but are friends of mine.  I'm hoping they will advocate for what I want.  I need to form a habit, instead, of dealing with the person who can close the deal.

Assuming I make the right choice in the future, and I approach the person with the authority to give me what I want, now what?  Start with a handshake.  Start with the relationship.

The book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In is the most acclaimed book ever on negotiating.  The authors have a four part method for negotiating in any situation from a hostage crisis to a business deal to how late my teenage son can be out with the car.  The first part involves relationship.  They call it "Separate the People from the Problem".

In essence, they say that too many people plunge straight into the problem:  What are they trying to achieve?  What are they asking for?  What is their bargaining position?

Ury and Fisher say that all negotiations involve human beings.  If you don't work on the human side--the relationship--you aren't likely to solve the problem.  This doesn't mean that you have to be best friends.  But their must be some amount of trust and communication to do something as simple as haggling for a old lamp at a yard sale.  And the authors recommend addressing this aspect of the negotiation consciously and SEPARATELY from the actual deal you are trying to make.

I put this into practice the other day.  The person I REALLY needed to deal with was someone I didn't want to talk to.  He used to work in our part of the company.  Years ago, I wanted a different position at work and heard that he had lobbied against me.  I got the position anyway, but I was upset that he had tried to keep me from landing the job.  I don't think he knows that I know what happened, but I still wasn't looking forward to talking to him.

But I called him anyway and, taking the advice of Ury and Fisher, I chose to work on the relationship first.  We talked family and eventually got to business, but even then I focused more on listening to him and establishing a bond and a sense of mutual respect than arguing my own point of view.  We can debate later.