Last night, I was in a hotel room with my two boys. One boy started watching TV. The other wanted to read, and he's very easily distracted. So he asked if he could sit and read on the floor outside our hotel room door. In his socks. In the hallway. I said no.
He argued with me. Why not? Would he be hurting anyone?
He had a point. He wouldn't be hurting anyone. It would be quiet. Both kids could do their own thing. But people in our culture just don't sit on the floor in hotel hallways. And that matters.
As a parent, sometimes I have to tell my kids that I expect them to conform for the sake of conforming, to do things in a certain way for absolutely no other reason than to fit in. Wear a shirt at the breakfast table. Use silverware properly. It's OK to say these things, but not those things.
I often hesitate to demand that my kids conform just for the sake of fitting in. Am I squashing their creativity and individuality? Maybe a little, but there are benefits to a certain level of conformity to the behaviors people around you expect. The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character, and Achievement
talks about the value of behaving the way people EXPECT you to behave. If you dress, talk, and act in the ways that your culture values, you are judged to be more competent and easier to trust.So, I'm sorry son, but if it's too loud in the hotel room, put on a shirt and shoes, head down to the lobby, and sit in a chair the way the rest of us do.
But, but, but...Dad?!
ReplyDeleteIf it harms no one and is not likely to cause harm, why not? Its safer (and obviously a more comfortable environment for him) to read in the hallway by your door, in his socks, than to be downstairs in a chair. By worrying so consciously about conformity, you're letting form dictate function, rather than the other way around.
You didn't used to be so staid. :)
Renee,
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty, you might be right. When I make these calls as a parent, I'm always on the fence. But my gut told met that this son pays so little heed to what everyone is doing and saying in the room, that I need to help him learn to fit in. At least then, later in life, he can fit in when he wants to and stand out when he wants to.