Anniversary

Chris and I celebrated our 17th Wedding Anniversary yesterday.  It definitely feels like we've had a relatively close married life over the years.  What has worked?

If I consider the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, I think we've been very strong on 5 of the 7, and average on the other 2.  John Gottman is famous for his decades long studies of what makes marriages work and what makes them fall apart.  He has shown that he can film a young couple discuss an issue for 15 minutes and then predict, with 95% accuracy, whether they will divorce within 10 years.  He wrote the "Seven Prinicples" book to help couples cultivate the behaviors that lead to success.

Here are the 5 principles that I think Chris and I do well at:

1. Having a "map" of what is going on in the life of the other:  daily and long term goals, activities, needs, and feelings.  Calling frequently to find out how their day is going.  Asking what they intend to do later. Coming home and asking about their day.  And having a deep understanding of what they want and need in life.
2. Helping each other with goals and tasks.  (This can be a natural outcome of #1).
3. Expressing appreciation and fondness daily.
4. Letting your partner influence you:  your actions, your behaviors, your goals.
5. Creating shared meaning:  volunteering together or helping each other with higher goals

The other 2 where we are average:

1. Solving one-time problems.
2. Addressing the longer term differences that can cause issues.  For example, I have more of a craving for museums, the outdoors, and live entertainment.  This will never change and leads to compromises.  But there are strategies for making these differences more acceptable.  We're probably just average at these strategies.

Overall, I think we're doing great!