Daddy Socrates

What's the best way to help my kids learn how to behave well?  I've been reading Ten Greatest Gifts I Give My Children : Parenting from the Heart.  This book advises parents to avoid as much as possible saying, "No!  Don't do that!  How many times . . ."  But as I've read the book, I haven't figured out a good alternative.  As I mentioned in my last blog, you can try to "catch them being good" and give them praise for that, but this doesn't help you in the moment you have dinner guests and they interrupt you or in the moment that you discover that one brother made the other brother cry.

I was reading another chapter in the book, and then it hit me.  The author, Steven Vannoy, talks about teaching your kids proper behavior by asking them questions.  As the kids answer the questions, they figure out the proper way to behave.  Vannoy reminds us of how questions were the primary teaching method of the Greek philosopher Socrates.  Vannoy suggests we apply the Socratic method to our kids.

Ask them questions such as,

• "Why do you think it is bad to eat nothing but junk food?  
• What are the benefits to the family if socks, shoes, coats and dirty dishes are put away?  
• Your brother is crying because you guys argued.  What do you think you should do about this?
• Your mom seems very stressed and overwhelmed right now.  How do you think you could help her?
• That did not go well.  What do you think you might do next time to make it work better?
• How can we solve this problem?
• Describe the ideal way you'd like this to be in the future?  What can we do to get there?

This feels more practical to me than, "Never say 'no'.  Always find a positive way to frame your feedback."  That sounds good in theory, but it seems to be asking me to be a "super-parent".  I can't always, in the heat of the moment, twist something negative like kid's arguing into something positive.  I just want to yell, "Quit doing that!"  But if feels doable to make a habit of asking questions.  Even in the heat of the moment, I can ask, "What do you think are the consequences of what you just did?  How do you think you can make the situation better?"  I plan to work at cultivating this habit to see what happens.