Messages we Don't Mean to Send

Two weeks ago, I wrote about the first technique recommended by this book:  Steer your kid's conversation to the positive.  Works for adults, too.  When they are complaining about something, hear them out, but then ask about the BEST aspects of the situation.  Who do they like most in school?  Who are there favorite teachers?  Their best friends?  What's the best thing that happened to them today?

I find the second technique in the book to be much more of an art.  This is the art of correcting your kid's behavior in a way that builds their self-esteem rather than damages it.

If my kids do something I don't like--interrupt me, defy me, or make a huge mess--I want to change the behavior.  But that isn't my only goal.  I also want my kids to feel good about themselves.

I can stop the behavior--at least short term--by yelling, by saying that "I've told you a million times!", by being sarcastic.  But these easy, quick responses send messages that my kids have issues or flaws, that they can't remember to do the right thing, that they are irresponsible or selfish.  These messages aren't good for their self esteem.

What are the alternatives?  And will they work?

One of the options the author, Steven Vannoy, brings up is to use "I" language.  "I'm afraid that if you keep doing that, the chair will break and it will cost me a lot of money to fix."  If my child stops the behavior, I've gotten the immediate behavior change I wanted.  But this time, I will have given my child a positive message.  They will hear, "I think you are responsible enough to care about my feelings.  I trust that you will do the right thing."

Vannoy offers another positive option.  Ask the child to help solve the problem.  "What do you think we can do to help you remember to put away your shoes and socks?"  The message you are sending is, "You are smart and can help us figure out a solution."

The last and perhaps best option is to react to success much more often that you react to failure.  Don't just react to the shoes and socks strewn all over the kitchen floor.  React just as often or more often to the shoes and socks that get put away.  This is tough because it's easier to notice bad behavior than good.  Bad behavior is often loud and leaves a trail of disorder.  Good behavior is quiet.  It respectfully leaves things neat and orderly.  It expresses itself through restraint--expression through what is NOT expressed.  Who do you notice when you're driving a car?  The 100 "good" drivers who stay in their lane and leave space in front of and behind them?  Or the 1 "bad" driver who cuts you off?

It's no surprise that parents yell more often than they praise.  But we owe it to our kids to cultivate our awareness of when they do the right thing and then let them know how much we appreciate it.