Character Camp Day 7: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Today for "Character Camp" with the kids, we read the chapter called "Habit 5:  Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood" in Sean Covey's book, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.


Covey seems to be saying in this chapter that you should always try to understand another person's point of view before adding your own point of view.  The kids had fun arguing about this.  If two people who've read this book try to start a conversation, who's gonna talk first?


I'm sure that what Covey means is that, when you can tell that the other person really has something they need to get off their chest, then you should always follow the sequence:  seek first to understand, then to be understood.  Make SURE you understand what they are saying, asking questions as needed or repeating it back to them in their own words to make sure you got it right.  Also, watch their body language for things that they may be feeling but aren't saying.  Once you know that you understand, do the second part of Habit 5:  seek to be understood.  Now is the time when you can express your point of view, give feedback, or respectfully offer suggestions.


I told my boys that Habit 5 is especially important when talking to girls or women.  This sounds sexist, but I believe it is a widely recognized gender difference discussed in many books such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex.  Too often, men seek first to understand what they think are the highlights of the other person position--the broad outline--and then start to offer suggestions or opinions.  They often actually completely misunderstand the other person, and yet still plunge ahead with their feedback and suggestions.  Another man might not mind because men tend to focus on problem solving.  A woman is much more likely, I told them, to want to be certain that she's understood before the man starts trying to solve the problem.  I told the boys that, they may not be interested in girls yet, but it will happen soon and this is something they ought to remember.


My favorite sentence in this chapter in Covey's book was this:  "Seeking first to understand requires consideration, but seeking to be understood requires courage."  He explains that it isn't enough to listen.  You could become a "doormat", someone who always hears the other person's point of view but does not assert his or her own.  You end up practicing "Lose-Win" in the relationship.  You "lose".  The other person, who enjoyed an active listener, "wins".  To have a "Win-Win" conversation, you often have to have the courage to state your own needs after you've understood the other person, especially if your interests are at risk.