The Holy Grail: an empty inbox

My e-mail inbox drives me crazy.  I hate it.  The number of e-mails in my In-Box makes a huge difference in how overwhelmed I feel.  If I have over 400 e-mails, I feel that my work life is out of control.  I feel hopelessly behind.  At these times, I just know that I must be missing commitments right and left, that there are lots of people who feel I've let them down, who are wondering why I won't answer their urgent requests, who think that I don't care much about their needs.

At 300 e-mails, I feel I'm still behind but I'm catching up.  At 200, I feel I'm contributing at a high level.  At 100 or less, I feel like they are DARN lucky to have me working for them.

I do a lot more in my job than react to e-mails.  But the size of my inbox is still the best indicator of the degree of control I feel over my workload.

In his book, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, David Allen says many people refer to an empty inbox as the "Holy Grail" of his "Getting Things Done" (GTD) system.  GTD is much, much more than an empty inbox, but this is one of the ultimate, visible rewards of using the system.

A cluttered e-mail inbox or a full paper/mail inbox distracts me from whatever else I'm trying to do on that computer or in the room with the paper inbox.  It grabs my attention because I'm concerned that there is stuff in there that I ought to be doing, but I'm not sure what it is.  Always calls a bunch of e-mails "stuff" because it is no clearer, no more distinct than the word "stuff".  I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do with this "stuff".  Do I trash it?  File it for future reference?  Is there an action I should take?  Should I take it now, or save it in a list of ideas for future actions?  Until I've made AND documented these decisions and any resulting action that I need to do, it's all just "stuff" that I might need to do something about and it might be very important.  I can't concentrate on other things very well when there are 400 items that might need me to act.

Allen's GTD system is unique among time management systems in its insistence on getting the inbox to zero every day or two, and unique in the process it teaches you to get there.  I've never made it.  I get at least 50 e-mails a day, and it feels as I have to pick between processing these e-mails and doing my main job.  But I think I'm wrong about that.  I haven't followed rigorously enough the GTD flow-chart for getting through e-mails quickly.  I can't describe the whole process here, but it involves first making decisions about each e-mail at lightning speed (trash it?  file it? act on it?), then--if there is action required--either doing it right away or adding the action to the appropriate list.

In the last couple of weeks, I've gone from over 300 e-mails to just under 90 while being buried with deadlines, developing and delivering training programs, and creating the most complex computer programs I've ever developed.  As always, every time I break another 100 e-mail milestone, there is a huge psychological effect for me, the way stockbrokers get giddy every time the Dow reaches another 1000 point milestone.  I've GOT to make it to zero soon, and it should be no harder to maintain a level near zero than it has been to maintain 300 or 400.

Getting Things Done-an overview

Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity and Making It All Work: Winning at the Game of Work and the Business of Life describe David Allen's "Getting Things Done" or "GTD" methodology.  I believe this is almost surely the most effective and well thought out time management system ever.  But it isn't easy to do, which is probably why I--like many people--didn't implement it fully the first time I tried it and did not get the full benefits.  I'm trying it again, and I'm determined to get it right this time.

As I mentioned in my last blog, a person who uses GTD correctly expands their brain in an area where the brain is weak.  A good GTD system adds memory to the brain, the way that an external hard drive adds memory to a computer.  But this external hard drive is quite specialized.  Allen writes that it needs to store all the information needed to gain perspective and control on your actions.  For perspective, you make lists of your goals from the highest, most general level (mission, dreams, purpose in life) to the most mundane, short term projects.  For control, you develop action plans, organize them, and follow the plans.  Both parts of the system--perspective and control--will only work if you make a habit of regularly reviewing and updating all the lists and plans.  Only then will your mind trust all the lists you're making and will let go of the compulsion to apply part of it's energy to "trying not to forget" what you need to do.

The Brain: a flawed Supercomputer

I think there is one concept that sets David Allen's time management system apart from all other approaches to time management.  This one concept is that the brain is a supercomputer with a lousy memory.  A good time management system says to your brain, "Don't worry.  I know you can't remember appointments, all the commitments you've made, your short and long term goals, all your projects, all the tasks you must do, and all the tasks you might want to do someday.  I'll take care of this.  I won't lose any of this information.  Whenever you want to retrieve it, it will be neatly organized so that you can find it and review it quickly to decide what to do next."

The brain has no folders to store it's memories.  When you try to recall things, you remember some things but forget others.  It's like a Google search.  Some of what comes up is meaningful, some isn't, and you may not find what you want.

When the brain tries to make sure you don't forget some key information, it applies some of your mental energy and effort to keeping those that information "in the back of your mind".  But the energy your brain uses to "try to remember to . . ." is energy that is no longer available to you in THIS moment for the task at hand or for just being aware of the present moment.  When you "try to remember" to do something later, you lose some of your ability to do something now.

Allen seems to have devised his Getting Things Done (GTD) system around these thoughts:  "What would be the ultimate system for organizing goals and plans so that a person's brain can let go of trying to remember these things?"  If the time management system is flawed, the brain will not let go.  It doesn't want you to fail, so it will keep trying to remember your goals and plans.  If your lists of goals, projects, and tasks are incomplete, the brain will not let go.  If you don't review these lists often enough and start missing commitments, the brain will not let go.  If these lists are hard to find or hard to review, the brain will not let go.

I sense that if you use the GTD system correctly, your brain WILL be able to let go, to turn over the job of remembering your goals and plans to the GTD system.  The brain can then do what it does better than any man-made supercomputer:  apply intelligence and intuition to the task at hand.

"Getting Things Done" for mind, heart, and soul

Obviously, I might accomplish more if I master the "Getting Things Done" (GTD) system from the book Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity.  But this isn't the main reason I want to master it.  Mostly, I'm looking for mental, emotional, and spiritual gains.  Mind, heart, and soul.

Mentally, I want to let go of all mental energy that I now apply to "making sure I don't forget something" related to possible future action.  As Allen points out in his book, most of us don't apply all of our mental energy to the current moment or the task at hand.  We divert part of our mental energy to "making sure we don't forget" promises that we made, deadlines, priorities, stuff we noticed in a huge pile of e-mails or a stack of papers, project ideas, and things we think we should do someday.  I want to use the GTD system to so that I learn to trust that my time management system is complete:  all my goals, commitments, possible tasks, deadlines, and priorities are captured and organized for easy access.  I can then relax and focus more mental energy on the CURRENT task.  This will enhance the quality and creativity of my work

Emotionally, I want to feel as if I'm in control.  I want the confidence that the thing I'm working on right now is the thing I should be working on.  I don't want to wonder if there could be 10 other things I've forgotten about that I should be doing instead.  I want to avoid the nagging suspicion that I've missed a promised deadline, disappointed someone, and I don't even realize it.  I want enough control and perspective that I easily align my actions with my core values and priorities.  I want to feel as if I can count on my self.

Spiritually, I want to empty my mind of unnecessary chatter--a key goal to deepening awareness of the present moment, both in meditation and in active engagement with the world.  The mind that is empty of needless chatter is the Buddhist's mind, the mind of peace and focus.  As I watch my own mind from day to day, and when I meditate, and when I try to fall asleep, I see that my biggest source of mental chatter, the thing that pulls my attention away from my breath, away from music, away from whatever I'm trying to focus on is thinking about all the stuff I gotta do.  If GTD helps me stop the noise, it will be worth it even if I DON'T get more things done!

Getting Things Done--the next focus

"Character Camp" was a great start to getting our family dynamics on the right track, but now I need to work on a breakthrough in the second biggest challenge in my life right now:  getting things done.  Getting a sense of control when I'm inundated with seemingly infinite demands, especially at work.

I'm going to try a time management system that I tried before.  In hindsight, I think I got a few benefits from my past experience with this system, but I think I would have gotten much more if I had followed the system "by the book".  I'm going to do it right this time.  The system is described in David Allen's books Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity and its sequel Making It All Work: Winning at the Game of Work and the Business of Life.

Allen focuses on the effect on the mind of having a backlog of commitments that is more than you can comprehend.  The goal of his system is to organize your backlog so that you CAN wrap your mind around it and focus on what is important right now.  He wants to free you of the nagging sense that there are many important things you are forgetting about or commitments you are failing to deliver.

Beyond the framework

 "Character Camp" provided the framework--the principles of how we want kids to behave.  But once the principles are clear, you still need to fill in the rules.  You want to be centered on principles, but then you need to define the rules.  One of the principles we discussed in "Character Camp" was to set clear expectations.  Defining clear rules is part of this.

I created the list,  What we Expect from Our Kids, after a rough day with the kids.  I went through an entire book on manners, looking for those things that seem to be most important for our family situation.  The book was 365 Manners Kids Should Know: Games, Activities, and Other Fun Ways to Help Children Learn Etiquette.

So what did we get out of "Character Camp"

How'd you like to live in this house?  What's the problem?  You've got a foundation and a frame.  The house is 90% built. But it won't keep out the rain, the wind, or burglars.

Similarly, with "Character Camp", we've laid the foundation and the framework of how our kids need to behave so that they can succeed socially, spiritually, physically, and economically.  But the rain can still pour in until we add the drywall and the roof.

The day that the kids graduated from "Character Camp", I took them Go-Kart riding and Mini-Golfing to reward them for taking "Character Camp" seriously.  The behavior of our oldest child at these events was pretty bad.  Does this mean that our "Character Camp" was a failure?  Or does it just mean that a foundation and a frame is not enough to make a home?

I think we can be grateful for this:  "Character Camp" gave us common terminology, principles, and goals.  But the house will still leak if it doesn't have walls and a roof.  Similarly, it's no surprise that our kids are still doing things that make us mad.  We have the principles and the language we can use to talk to them abotu what they do.  But it's going to take time and effort before they develop behaviors that keep the rain out of the "house" and keep the burglers at bay.

Character Camp Final Days: Sharpen the Saw

Last weekend, we finished up the last days of "Character Camp" for the boys.  We studied and discussed "Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw" from the book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

The chapter was about habits that strengthen the mind, body, heart, and soul.  For example, strengthening the mind with reading, strengthening the body with exercise and nutrition, and strengthening the heart by investing in your friendships.  I noticed that my kids weren't TOO bad with most of these habits (except nutrition).  But they have a ton of room for improvement in the fourth area:  habits that strengthen the soul.  Meditation, enjoying nature, relaxing, journaling, experiencing art and music, reflecting on their lives or spiritual matters--none of these are habits for them.  I owe it to them to give them more experiences in these areas, even if they kick and scream as they meditate or go to Music Hall!

Character Camp Day 8: Synergize

On Day 8 of "Character Camp", our families 10 day commitment to adopt new, common values and principles, we studied "Habit 6: Synergize" from The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

This chapter focused on valuing differences between yourself and other people.  A key challenge from the book was the question, "Do you tolerate diversity?  Or do you celebrate diversity?"  The difference is that many people may tolerate gender, ethnic, clothing, and style differences.  But do they really value how these differences can complement other people in a relationship or a team effort?

My kids have had the advantage of growing up in urban public schools, with friends of varying ethnic and economic backgrounds, and they've seen they're parents role model similar diverse relationships.  So I think they  go beyond tolerating this type of diversity.  But I couldn't let them off the hook TOO easily when reading this chapter.  I pointed out to one child that he often has little or no interest in anyone who isn't hooked on sports, and tends to assume that they would not be people he could relate to.  I said that this is a form of "prejudging" someone, and thus a mild form of "prejudice".  To celebrate the diversity of people with different hobbies and passions, one needs to be open to the possibility that these alternate passions could add spice to a friendship.

Another way I want to awaken this higher standard of celebrating diversity is to continue to help each child understand their uniqueness.  The Covey book does this by having them go through a quick personality test and having them define many of the things that make them unique.  The thought is that the more you realize the ways in which you have unique strengths and tendencies, the more curious you naturally become about the unique profile of strengths of every other person you meet.  You start to see how they have strengths that you don't, and start to see how they can complement you.  You feel the possibility of synergy.

Independent of the Covey book, I've had everyone in the family take the "Strengths Finder" test.  We've talked about each person's strengths based on this test.  We plan to complement this self discovery process by having everyone go through other tests such as the "Enneagram".  I think that taking these tests has helped each child feel more special, develop a better understanding of how they can excel, and develop a better appreciation for the differences in the talents of the people that they meet.

Character Camp Day 7: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Today for "Character Camp" with the kids, we read the chapter called "Habit 5:  Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood" in Sean Covey's book, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.


Covey seems to be saying in this chapter that you should always try to understand another person's point of view before adding your own point of view.  The kids had fun arguing about this.  If two people who've read this book try to start a conversation, who's gonna talk first?


I'm sure that what Covey means is that, when you can tell that the other person really has something they need to get off their chest, then you should always follow the sequence:  seek first to understand, then to be understood.  Make SURE you understand what they are saying, asking questions as needed or repeating it back to them in their own words to make sure you got it right.  Also, watch their body language for things that they may be feeling but aren't saying.  Once you know that you understand, do the second part of Habit 5:  seek to be understood.  Now is the time when you can express your point of view, give feedback, or respectfully offer suggestions.


I told my boys that Habit 5 is especially important when talking to girls or women.  This sounds sexist, but I believe it is a widely recognized gender difference discussed in many books such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex.  Too often, men seek first to understand what they think are the highlights of the other person position--the broad outline--and then start to offer suggestions or opinions.  They often actually completely misunderstand the other person, and yet still plunge ahead with their feedback and suggestions.  Another man might not mind because men tend to focus on problem solving.  A woman is much more likely, I told them, to want to be certain that she's understood before the man starts trying to solve the problem.  I told the boys that, they may not be interested in girls yet, but it will happen soon and this is something they ought to remember.


My favorite sentence in this chapter in Covey's book was this:  "Seeking first to understand requires consideration, but seeking to be understood requires courage."  He explains that it isn't enough to listen.  You could become a "doormat", someone who always hears the other person's point of view but does not assert his or her own.  You end up practicing "Lose-Win" in the relationship.  You "lose".  The other person, who enjoyed an active listener, "wins".  To have a "Win-Win" conversation, you often have to have the courage to state your own needs after you've understood the other person, especially if your interests are at risk.

Character Camp Day 6: Think Win-Win

Today's lesson in our Family's "Character Camp" was the chapter called "Think Win-Win" in the book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

Sean Covey, the author says that institutions often set up situations and reward systems that are "Win-Lose" competitions, forced distributions where someone is "low rated" or gets a bad grade because they didn't compete well.  However, Covey says that these reward systems are artificial.  The most important, natural situations in life involve relationships in which everyone can win.  Helping the other person or giving to the other person helps them "win" and also helps you "win".

The kids got the message, but it was a little more challenging to show them examples in their lives where they've taken a "win-lose" approach (victory at the expense of the other), "lose-win" (defeat by the other), or "lose-lose" (everyone suffers).  One of my sons is competitive so he assumes he's always either "win-win" or "win-lose", but I gave examples where his competition leaves both sides feeling bad and angry at each other ("lose-lose") or where he gave in to a teacher, parent, or classmate and felt resentful ("lose-win").  We talked about how some of these situations could have been turned into "win-win".  Finally, we talked about the most vital "win-win" of all:  to build his emotional bank account with key people in his life, leading both people in the relationship with a huge victory.

Character Camp Day 5: Relationship Bank Account

For our family, "The Relationship Bank Account", may be the single most important chapter in the book, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

This was the chapter we read and discussed today, Day 5 of our "Character Camp" for our teenage boys. "Character Camp" is our 10 day program to revolutionize forever how we talk as a family about character, values, goals, and accomplishment.  The "Relationship Bank Account" (or "RBA") is a model for the trust you build or tear down in your relationships with others.  In this model, you can "make deposits" in the "Relationship Bank Account" you have with a friend or a family member by saying something kind, keeping promises, being helpful, or many other acts that build trust.  You can also "make withdrawals" from the "RBA" by lying, breaking promises, rolling your eyes, avoiding chores, dominating conversation, or dragging your feet when the family is in a big hurry to go somewhere.

One of my sons says he feels powerless to improve an important relationship that has often been tense in the past.  I told him that the "RBA" can give him the power to improve the relationship.  I said that he can make simple "deposits" any time, and gave him many examples of  "deposits" as simple as asking the other person how they feel.  I told him that, when he does these things, the other person is likely to reciprocate, acting kindly to my son, further building the "RBA" that they share between them.  It is likely that the "RBA" will grow quickly, old wounds will heal, and the relationship will blossom.

Character Camp Day 3 & 4: Goals and Priorities

In the past 2 days, our Family "Character Camp" has addressed habits 2 & 3 from the book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

My oldest teenager has found these chapters to be boring because he thinks he has them mastered.  In some ways, he has and in other ways he hasn't.  The habits we're talking about involve goals and priorities.  The first  habit of highly effective teens (or highly effective people of any age), "Begin with the End in Mind", involves goals:  having a picture of where you want to go with your life, having a mission statement.  The second habit, "Put First Things First", involves making sure that you allocate plenty of time to things that move you toward those goals, toward the ends that you have in mind.

In what ways has my son mastered Habits 2 and 3?  Habit 2:  He has an extraordinarily clear vision of what he wants in his life:  sports, sports, sports.  To be an ESPN analyst, professional football scout, or something else that involves having remarkable mastery of sports knowledge, ability to "see" what is really happening during a game, and judgment about athletic potential.  Habit 3:   Does he allocate plenty of time to moving toward this vision?   He'd allocate 24 hours each day if we would let him.  And the time he's invested has paid off handsomely.  There is no person I know, at any age, who knows half as much about sports as he does, and--although this is a highly competitive field--he really has a chance to stand out.

So how has he NOT mastered these Habits?  There is more to life than sports.  How about health, relationships, exploring new places and activities, spirituality, acquiring new knowledge and interests?  I told him today that he really has a knack for Habits 2 and 3.  If only he'd BROADEN his goals, this would be a tremendously strong part of his life.

Camp Character-Day 2 Be Proactive

Today's lesson in our family "Character Camp" was to "Be Proactive"--to assume that YOU are responsible for your life.  The opposite way of living, to be "reactive" is to react to your changing circumstances with no faith that you can make choices about your reactions that will give you control of your life.  Being "proactive" leads to steering the course of your life.  Being "reactive" leads to drifting wherever circumstances and your habitual reactions take you, even if they take you over the edge of a cliff.

When you are "proactive", you know you are steering the course.  You know you are responsible for where you go.  When you are "reactive", you fail to recognize that the steering wheel of how you choose to respond to life is right there in front of you.  You don't see your power.  You surrender power and control to circumstances and habitual reactions.  And then you blame others for everything good and, especially, everything bad that happens to you.

We don't expect "Character Camp" to instantly turn our two boys into "Masters and Commanders" of their destinies, habitually recognizing their power to get the best out of any situation through the choices that they make.  In fact, WE (the parents) don't always remember to be proactive.  But we do expect to come out of "Character Camp" with a common family understanding and language to describe a way to live effectively.  Two months from now, if one of our kids comes home from school and says, "I can't learn anything in Miss Simpson's class.  Nobody can!  Everybody hates her!", we can remind him, "Are you being proactive or reactive about Miss Simpson?  Remember what we learned in Character Camp?  What options do you have to take control of this situation?"

Camp Character-Day 1: Personal Bank Account

Today is the first full day of "Camp Character", our attempt to establish common core principles and values as a family, an investment we're making that we hope will pay out for our family for the rest of our lives. So far, I think we're going to be able to strike the right balance during these 12 days between time spent learning these principles and time doing the other things that a family NORMALLY does on a vacation.

We started off with a review. Our approach is for Chris and I to read aloud to the boys a full chapter from The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens. The boys then fill in all the sections of their copy of the accompanying workbook to get them thinking about what the chapter means to them personally. We read 2 short introductory chapters last weekend, one on good and bad habits, and the other about paradigms, how they affect your view of self and others, and how they can be accurate or misleading. This morning I reviewed what each kid wrote for these chapters. I was pleased to see that they had done a pretty good job of identifying their own good and bad habits and the paradigms they had of themselves and of others. I gave them my perspective on their habits and paradigms and described some of my own habits and paradigms. I had these discussions with each child one at a time, in private, so that they would not feel "exposed" in front of the other child and would trust that they could write down their honest feelings and thoughts.

Chris and I then read aloud today's chapter about "Personal Bank Accounts". The author uses the image of a personal bank account to show what happens when you keep promises to your self versus when you let your self down. Every time you keep a personal commitment or do something that is in line with your true values and interests, you "make a deposit in your Personal Bank Account". Make enough of these deposits and you will grow rich in self confidence, self control, and self esteem. On the other hand, if you break a commitment to yourself, if you lie or do something else that you know is wrong, then you "make a withdrawal". Make enough withdrawals and you will empty your account, stop trusting yourself, lose confidence, and develop poor self-esteem. The kids have already filled out their workbooks. This process took about 2 hours. I haven't reviewed the workbooks yet, but Chris and I agreed we'd give them a long break each day as soon as we get to this point so that they can have fun, have friends over, go to the pool, etc.

Later, when Chris and I review what they wrote, we'll be sure to expose our own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to keeping promises to ourselves. We have to talk about when we disappoint ourselves by having a few too many drinks, or deciding not to exercise, eating the wrong foods, and so on. Also, we have to talk about the positives, such as how wonderful I feel that I'm writing this blog. I'll tell them about the many years when I was withdrawing from my personal bank account because I wanted to write a book or two and didn't know how to get started, how this failure to get moving on one of my most important promises to myself was one of my biggest disappointments in life. And I'll tell them how different it feels now that I'm writing almost daily the kinds of things that I wanted to put in a book, and I'm putting it out there for others in this blog. Even if the audience for this blog is and remains small, each blog I post goes straight into my personal bank account.