Daddy Socrates

What's the best way to help my kids learn how to behave well?  I've been reading Ten Greatest Gifts I Give My Children : Parenting from the Heart.  This book advises parents to avoid as much as possible saying, "No!  Don't do that!  How many times . . ."  But as I've read the book, I haven't figured out a good alternative.  As I mentioned in my last blog, you can try to "catch them being good" and give them praise for that, but this doesn't help you in the moment you have dinner guests and they interrupt you or in the moment that you discover that one brother made the other brother cry.

I was reading another chapter in the book, and then it hit me.  The author, Steven Vannoy, talks about teaching your kids proper behavior by asking them questions.  As the kids answer the questions, they figure out the proper way to behave.  Vannoy reminds us of how questions were the primary teaching method of the Greek philosopher Socrates.  Vannoy suggests we apply the Socratic method to our kids.

Ask them questions such as,

• "Why do you think it is bad to eat nothing but junk food?  
• What are the benefits to the family if socks, shoes, coats and dirty dishes are put away?  
• Your brother is crying because you guys argued.  What do you think you should do about this?
• Your mom seems very stressed and overwhelmed right now.  How do you think you could help her?
• That did not go well.  What do you think you might do next time to make it work better?
• How can we solve this problem?
• Describe the ideal way you'd like this to be in the future?  What can we do to get there?

This feels more practical to me than, "Never say 'no'.  Always find a positive way to frame your feedback."  That sounds good in theory, but it seems to be asking me to be a "super-parent".  I can't always, in the heat of the moment, twist something negative like kid's arguing into something positive.  I just want to yell, "Quit doing that!"  But if feels doable to make a habit of asking questions.  Even in the heat of the moment, I can ask, "What do you think are the consequences of what you just did?  How do you think you can make the situation better?"  I plan to work at cultivating this habit to see what happens.

Messages we Don't Mean to Send

Two weeks ago, I wrote about the first technique recommended by this book:  Steer your kid's conversation to the positive.  Works for adults, too.  When they are complaining about something, hear them out, but then ask about the BEST aspects of the situation.  Who do they like most in school?  Who are there favorite teachers?  Their best friends?  What's the best thing that happened to them today?

I find the second technique in the book to be much more of an art.  This is the art of correcting your kid's behavior in a way that builds their self-esteem rather than damages it.

If my kids do something I don't like--interrupt me, defy me, or make a huge mess--I want to change the behavior.  But that isn't my only goal.  I also want my kids to feel good about themselves.

I can stop the behavior--at least short term--by yelling, by saying that "I've told you a million times!", by being sarcastic.  But these easy, quick responses send messages that my kids have issues or flaws, that they can't remember to do the right thing, that they are irresponsible or selfish.  These messages aren't good for their self esteem.

What are the alternatives?  And will they work?

One of the options the author, Steven Vannoy, brings up is to use "I" language.  "I'm afraid that if you keep doing that, the chair will break and it will cost me a lot of money to fix."  If my child stops the behavior, I've gotten the immediate behavior change I wanted.  But this time, I will have given my child a positive message.  They will hear, "I think you are responsible enough to care about my feelings.  I trust that you will do the right thing."

Vannoy offers another positive option.  Ask the child to help solve the problem.  "What do you think we can do to help you remember to put away your shoes and socks?"  The message you are sending is, "You are smart and can help us figure out a solution."

The last and perhaps best option is to react to success much more often that you react to failure.  Don't just react to the shoes and socks strewn all over the kitchen floor.  React just as often or more often to the shoes and socks that get put away.  This is tough because it's easier to notice bad behavior than good.  Bad behavior is often loud and leaves a trail of disorder.  Good behavior is quiet.  It respectfully leaves things neat and orderly.  It expresses itself through restraint--expression through what is NOT expressed.  Who do you notice when you're driving a car?  The 100 "good" drivers who stay in their lane and leave space in front of and behind them?  Or the 1 "bad" driver who cuts you off?

It's no surprise that parents yell more often than they praise.  But we owe it to our kids to cultivate our awareness of when they do the right thing and then let them know how much we appreciate it.

LET THE BAND PLAY!

Listening to music is another form of meditation that serves as training in letting things go, paying attention to things as they are without trying to control them.

Often, when I listen to music, I'm too controlling.  I don't just open my ears to what is being played.  I try to make the music fit my IDEAS about the music.

One sign of when I'm trying to control the music is when I'm dying to know who the musician is.  I refuse to listen until I know who's playing.  Similarly, if I see a painting in an art museum, I often look at the label next the picture to identify the artist BEFORE I let myself study the painting.

Why do I feel compelled to identify the musician or artist before I listen or before I look?  I think it's because I want to bring to mind my opinions about that musician and then listen for those parts of the music that justify my prejudices. If I think, "Miles Davis has that laid back, muted sound on his trumpet", then I focus my listening on those trumpet sounds that reinforce my opinion. I miss SO MUCH of what is going on in the sound.  I'm too focused on proving to myself that my opinions about the music are right.

JUST LET THE BAND PLAY!  Listen to the whole sound, as it is.  Don't force the sound to squeeze through the filter of my IDEAS about the sound.  Very little of the music can pass through that filter.

When I meditate properly on music, I don't try to control it.  I listen closely without checking to see who's playing the song.  I don't analyze the music.  I just hear it all.  And when I can do this, I strengthen my ability to choose:  "At this moment, I don't need to control anything.  At this moment, I just want to see and hear whatever is happening in front of me."

Meditation Toolbox

I have found different types of meditation provide different benefits, just as different tools in a toolbox serve different needs.  The breathing meditation I've been writing about helps me when I'm doing too much, too many goals, not letting things just be as they are.  Focusing on my breath while letting it do "its own thing" helps me balance my goal oriented, busy life with a time in which I let things be.  This is key for me most of the time because I have issues with working too hard and not relaxing enough.

But there are times when I need to grab a different tool from the toolbox.  Today, something happened that made me very sad.  I was laying in the recliner again, breathing, but my meditation today was to feel my sadness in all of its intensity.  I can use meditation as a tool to face my emotions.

There are also meditations for defusing anger toward another person.  There are Tibetan Buddhist meditations in which I think about someone I'm upset with and practice wishing for good things to happen to them.  It's a way to practice what Jesus called "turning the other cheek", but to turn that cheek in my imagination.

Sometimes, I just need meditation that is enjoyable.  I just need pleasure.  At times like this, I might listen to jazz or classical.

I don't want to jump from one technique to another so often that I fail to develop mastery in anything.  But it's important to remember that there is a whole toolbox of meditation techniques.  Some days, I need one tool a lot more than the rest.

Where Inside Meets Outside

In my last post, I wrote about why it's so wonderful to meditate on my breath because breathing is both voluntary and involuntary.  The act of breathing shows that these "opposites"--voluntary and involuntary--are intimately related, almost indistinguishable.

Similarly, my breath is also where my inside meets my outside.  This is where "me, in here" meets "everything, out there".  Breathing unites the opposites of "inside me" and "outside me".  Meditating on my breath helps me learn the truth that, in reality, there isn't much difference between "me" and everything outside of "me".

As I inhale and exhale, when is the air "inside me"?  When does it become part of "me"?  Is it when it first breaks the plane of my nostrils?  Is it "foreign" as it approaches my nostrils?  Is it foreign when it is one thousandth of an inch away from entering my nose?  And then, as soon as it enters my nose, does it become "me"?

Perhaps it remains "foreign" until it is no longer a gas in my lungs.  Maybe it becomes "me" when it passes through cell membranes and enters my bloodstream.  But doesn't this seem to be grasping at a distinction between "inside" and "outside" that doesn't really exist in reality?  It's just humans trying to draw the line between inside and outside?  The "line" isn't there, physically, in the concrete, natural world, just as there is no real, physical line between the state Indiana and the state of Ohio.

Meditation on the breath teaches us that we are like the state of Ohio.  In the concrete world of nature, there s no clear boundary between our state and Indiana.  All boundaries between states are fictions imagined by humans for practical purposes.  Similarly, our bodies are not truly separate from the world around us.  Meditation on the breath forces us to confront the reality that there is no difference between "in here" and "out there".

Where Voluntary Meets Involuntary

Part of what makes breathing a perfect choice for meditation is that breathing is uniquely both voluntary and involuntary.  You can control it.  You can breathe deeply, shallowly, slowly, or quickly.  You control it to speak, to sing, to play a trumpet.

And yet, try to skip it for a while.  Try not to breathe.  Eventually, the automatic part of the brain takes over.  "I don't care what you say.  These lungs are going to breathe."  Your breath becomes involuntary, and is involuntary most of the time.

This is why meditating on the breath is possibly the greatest of all meditation exercises.  Buddha said that this one practice alone could lead to enlightenment.

In meditating on the breath, I try to let the involuntary part of my brain take control.  I just watch what it decides to do with me.  It is incredibly difficult to resist the temptation to "step in" and "take over" with my willful mind.  But therein lies the power of this exercise.  I have these breathing muscles that I can control, but can I let go of this control and just watch my body act?  If I can do this during meditation, it will be easier as I go on with the rest of my day, to let go of control whenever accepting things as they are is the wisest choice.

The Best Way to Breathe

I was on the deck tonight, reclining in one of those "zero gravity" chairs, getting in my 15 minutes of meditation.  Usually, I listen to music, but tonight decided to go with the most ancient, widely practiced technique: focusing on my breath.

It's all about letting go.  It's all about letting the air drain out, without control, letting the lungs fill up again when they want to fill up.  Watching it all without controlling it.  The opposite of all my recent time management efforts.  No longer trying to get a sense of control, of being in command.  This is a time, instead, to lose control, to observe, to surrender.  The goal is to lie limply, to sink into the chair, to let the air come in and out without ever trying to change the pace, trusting that my body knows exactly when it needs to bring more air in and when it needs to let air out.

Sounds easy, but it's amazingly difficult to let go of the feeling that I've got to DO SOMETHING about what I'm observing.  Even though it's just my breathing, something that happens all the time successfully without any effort on my part (or else I'd be dead!).  Nevertheless, it's hard to just let go and passively watch those inhalations and exhalations.  But it's good practice.  It is a lesson in accepting things as they are.

What's the best thing that happened in school today?

A few days ago, I started reading Steven Vannoy's book, Ten Greatest Gifts I Give My Children : Parenting from the Heart.  One thing I liked right away was the idea of steering the conversation from, "What went wrong today?" to "What went right?"

The author gives a few examples of leading questions for conversation such as "What's the best thing that happened to you today?"  "What did you like most in the movie?"  "What are you most looking forward to doing this weekend?"

I tried out a couple of things on my own.  "Who's your favorite teacher so far this year?  Why?  Who's your second favorite?"  Also, "What do you like most about the way we're redecorating your room?"  The goal is to spend as little time as possible dwelling on the negative.  If my kids are dwelling on kids, teachers, or situations they don't like, feel free to change the subject as soon as they've expressed their main points.  It may be therapeutic for them to START expressing their negative feelings, but it's not so great to wallow in those feelings indefinitely.  A shift to "the bright side" is a good idea.

I've been trying this with adult friends as well.  One friend tends to complain a lot about some of her co-workers.  I used to debate her on this.  Now, I'm trying to just ask, "So who is your favorite person in the staff?  Why?"  This seems to help her light up a little bit more when she talks about work.

Friends Confront

Chris and I recently had a long, awkward discussion with a friend.  I don't want to describe the personal details, but we felt she had made a huge mistake and had a chance to limit the damage from her action, but she would need to act quickly.  We knew she would not want our feedback.  But we care about her and want her to be successful.  So we asked her to sit down and talk to us.

As we expected, it was uncomfortable for her and for us.  All three of us couldn't wait for the conversation to end.  But we felt compelled to give her feedback.  We felt she was in denial about the situation and was headed to a repeat of the failures that have plagued her for a decade.  We felt we could not let her off too easily, could not accept her excuses and rationalizations if we felt they were wrong--not if we really cared about her!  We had to be honest, even though it was uncomfortable and we doubted that we were getting through to her.

Later, she told Chris that she had felt "attacked".  I told Chris, "She wasn't attacked.  Enemies attack.  Friends confront."

Flat Belly

There's nothing weird, radical, or counterintuitive about the diet that Chris and I started a few weeks ago, Flat Belly Diet!



The book is based on research from Prevention magazine.  They reviewed past scientific studies regarding diets that tend to reduce belly fat, the most dangerous type of fat.  The studies showed such things as the benefit of "good fats"--the monounsaturated fats found in olive oil, fish, nuts, and avocados.  Such fats, taken with every meal, actually REDUCE belly fat.  Everything else in the diet fits with the conventional, modern nutritional wisdom:  lots of fruits and vegetables, reduce red meat, low sodium, relatively low calorie meals (about 400 calories), and the recommendation to have 3 meals AND a snack so that you don't get tempted to binge.

It seems to work for us.  In addition to losing 10 pounds, my blood pressure has dropped down into the normal range for the first time in over a decade.  My pressure has been high despite taking 3 different medications daily.  On this diet, my first number dropped about 10-15 points, and the second number has dropped 5 points.

I feel good about my weight, the change in appearance, and my reduced blood pressure.  I also feel more self-disciplined, like I'm keeping my promises to myself, because I'm having very few episodes of excess eating or drinking in which I feel as if I let myself down.  And, as I mentioned in my last blog, I don't even feel hungry.

Less Food, Less Hunger

Chris and I have been on the Flat Belly Diet! for several weeks.  I'm not going to explain everything about the diet, but there is one thing that stands out for me:  I'm eating less, but there are FEWER times that I feel hungry than I did before the diet.

Why?  In the past, when I'd be at work, I'd have lunch at 11am.  Then, around 3pm, I'd be craving a snack.  I typically would raid vending machines and overeat.  If I didn't, I'd feel uncomfortable, distracting hunger until I could eat dinner at 5:30 or later.

The Flat Belly Diet requires that you eat every 3-4 hours while you are awake.  Typically, this means 3 meals and 1 snack between lunch and dinner.  That snack is the key to preventing uncomfortable pangs of hunger, the key to eating less while feeling less hunger.

I've followed the approach carefully and can honestly say that I never feel uncomfortably hungry.  I eat smaller portions than I used to for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I'm never feeling bad about it because the snack I have between lunch and dinner satisfies my most intense cravings.  In hindsight, I felt truly, miserably hungry far more often before this diet.  I may have gorged myself when I DID eat, but the times when I should have snacked but did not do so (usually around 3pm), I'd get really hungry.  Now I'm eating less, have lost 9 pounds in 3 weeks, and I can't remember the last time I felt really , really hungry.