Ask them to change behavior not feelings or attitudes

In the The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No, the author cautions that, in negotiation, if you ask for something from the other person, you should ask for a change in behavior--something that you can see--rather than a change in feeling or attitude.

As parents of teenagers, Chris and I sometimes will say, "Can't you be more considerate?" or "I wish you'd think more about others!"  This isn't describing specific, desired behaviors, so are we wrong to say this?  I don't think so.  I think we can talk about desirable emotions and undesirable emotions as long as we also make specific behavior requests.  For example, we might say, "We're concerned because we think you aren't empathetic or considerate.  This can cause you problems throughout life if it isn't addressed.  So, from now on, with few exceptions, the whole family will spend at least 2 hours per day together, working on common goals.  Also, we'll do volunteer work as a family once per month."

If we take an approach like this, we're not ignoring the obvious and serious emotional or attitude issue--the lack of empathy or thoughtfulness toward others.  But we're not making the mistake of just yelling, "BE NICER!"  We're asking for behaviors that will naturally tend to cultivate teamwork and concern for others.  The first great American psychologist, William James, once wrote:

"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not."

As parents, we may want some of our kids feelings to change, but we should heed James' advice:  Pick behaviors that match the feelings we want our kids to have.  Then be patient.  Wait for the feelings to come.