"Camp Character"

The kids may hate this, but we're about to spend some vacation time doing what we are calling "Camp Character".  The summer "Camp" starts on Thursday and lasts about 10 days.  We'll be staying in town and will have some fun at the pool, movies, etc., but we're going to spend perhaps 3 hours a day making a breakthrough in our family dynamics.

We have a 12 year old boy and a 14 year old boy.  We're at the point where they can absorb concepts about assuming responsibility for your life, cultivating a positive attitude, active listening, building trust in relationships, doing the most important things first, etc.  It would be awesome if these types of things became deeply ingrained values, if this could be a common family language and set of principles we could always refer back to and reinforce as the years go by.  This seems like the right time to make a breakthrough.

We're going to do this by working through Sean Covey's book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.  In addition to this book, we bought 2 copies (one per kid) of the companion workbook The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens Personal Workbook.  Each day, we'll read a chapter and each child will get through the exercises for that chapter in the Workbook.  We'll discuss what they wrote and our own perspective on the subject.

We're telling the kids that we expect "Camp Character" to make our family act more like a team with much less strife and that it will help them succeed with friendships, school, dating, work, and everything else in life.  I've told them to think of it as similar to the Bar Mitzvah that their friend went through last year.  In a Bar Mitzvah, the boy prepares for the event with hard work and study.  After the ceremony, they are expected to maintain a much higher level of personal responsibility for the rest of their lives.  It is a transformation in what is expected from the boy.  Coincidentally, it happens at age 13, and our boys are right near that age (12 and 14).  So it seems the time is right.

Reputation is not enough

One of the main "ah-ha's!" that hit me when I heard Stephen Covey speak about The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything is that people don't trust you deeply based on reputation alone.

I think I have a good reputation for being a nice guy and for being very good at what I do.  But if I want to LEAD people--if I want them to work long hours for our project, to this work above competing priorities, to advocate for our project at their site even if their boss is just lukewarm about it--then reputation will not be enough.  Only my BEHAVIOR will generate this loyalty.  To take these risks and fight these battles, they need trust that I will listen to them and that I care about their needs in their work environment and beyond.  They'll only gain this trust if they see me behave this way with them or with other members of the team.

Why trust the Speed of Trust?

I became a disciple of The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything? after hearing the author speak for just 3 hours.  Why did I so quickly buy into the message?

Before I heard the author, Steven M. R. Covey speak, I had already been noticing things that supported his argument.  I already had tuned into the ebb and flow of energy and engagement in my team meetings and conference calls.  I had noticed that conference calls alone were a waste of time.  None of my team contacts were effective or engaged unless I talked to them 1 on 1 and asked them for their ideas and their concerns.  The behaviors that Covey recommends to build trust are the same behaviors that have been helping me get my team members engaged and eager to contribute.  Today, I cancelled a bi-monthly team meeting because I get more out of calling the 4 team members one at a time.  It takes more time for me, but it gives me more results because the person I speak to feels as if I care about them, I respect their needs and the pressures they are under, and I want their input.  In a group setting, at least not until we become a high functioning team, they would never express these needs so we would gloss over everything that really matters.

I think our corporate habit--and my personal habit--has been to designate a group of people to be a team, have meetings, expect instant collaboration and mutual support, and then get frustrated by the lack of progress.  What I've realized is that I need to transform my approach.  I need much more 1:1 discussions with all the team members, even if these have to happen by telephone in our decentralized organization, to build trust, clarify expectations, work through issues, etc.  Only then will the group meetings become energetic and effective.

The Speed of Trust

Today, at a corporate leadership seminar, I was inspired by a lecture by Stephen M. R. Covey, the author of The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything.  (Note that this is NOT the Stephen Covey who wrote "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People".  This is his son.  But he was just as inspiring to me today as his father ever was.  Given that my heroes are people who write books to help others improve their lives, I was like a kid at a rock concert who gets to meet the rock star, especially when I had a few moments to speak to Mr. Covey and have him autograph my copy of his book.

The "Speed of Trust" is about how central trust is to relationships, both inside and outside of work.  Where it fits for me right now is my struggles at work to collaborate with people across multiple sites who don't report to me. I've blogged before about how I'm trying to keep them engaged, trying to see what I might be doing wrong in conference calls that contributes to poor attendance and low energy.  I know that it's partly because they don't work for me.  Their bosses have different priorities and work for plant managers who's priorities may diverge from those of my boss.  Also, it's tough to delegate heavily to people who all live hundreds of miles away from me.  But I can't focus on the things I can't control.  What can I do differently to engage these folks, to make them excited about our project, to make them look forward to our conference calls and make them want to volunteer for responsibilities?

Trust seems to be the key.  This is trust in a much broader sense than most people think of it.  They already trust me in the narrow sense of believing that I'm honest, that I want what is best for the company, and that I'm a nice guy.  But that isn't enough to make them want to go the extra mile for me and for my projects.  Do they trust that I'll listen to them?  Do they trust that they can influence the strategies of the project, that I'll give them interesting, challenging assignments that take advantage of their strengths and interests, and that the work they do in this project will advance the interests of their plant site and their personal and career goals?  That is a higher level of trust that demands more than my reputation as a nice guy who knows what he's doing.  To gain this kind of trust, their is no substitute for 1:1 discussions where I SHOW them that I will listen, I ASK them about their skills and how they would like to contribute, I ASK them about their priorities, and I LISTEN to their input on the project plans.

Some of the other books I've been reading such as Stomp the Elephant in the Office: Put an End to the Toxic Workplace, Get More Done -- and Be Excited About Work Again have also emphasized listening and gaining input to get team members to own the strategy.  But I find the "Speed of Trust" to be more explicit about HOW to do this.

My heroes

For the last 35 years, my heroes have had one thing in common.  They are all people who have learned something about how to improve your life, have become passionate about what they learned, and have shared their teachings as widely as possible in the hope that the ideas will help others succeed.

It started in early high school.  I was trying to work through many issues, as most of us do in those years.  What worked best for me was to read self-help books.  Dale Carnegie (please don't roll your eyes!) became one of my early heroes, as I studied "How to Make Friends and Influence People" and "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" and would journal about my experiences trying to apply these principles.  There've been countless other books and audiotapes I've studied since then on a variety of topics from spirituality to parenting to running effective meetings.  As I've read, I've always sensed that each author has vowed to share whatever has helped them succeed in life in the hope that others also gain from it.

Some of my interest in Buddhism, apart from intellectually agreeing with most of the core principles, is that Buddha is also a hero for me.  He was just an ordinary man, but he is my hero because he struggled for years to find spiritual happiness, learned a way of life that led to happiness,  and then devoted the rest of his life to teaching others this way of living.

I write this blog to mimic, as much as I can, the behavior I admire in my heroes.  I seriously doubt I'll ever reach as many people as even the least well known of my heroes, but it feels good to do my best.

Ask them to change behavior not feelings or attitudes

In the The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No, the author cautions that, in negotiation, if you ask for something from the other person, you should ask for a change in behavior--something that you can see--rather than a change in feeling or attitude.

As parents of teenagers, Chris and I sometimes will say, "Can't you be more considerate?" or "I wish you'd think more about others!"  This isn't describing specific, desired behaviors, so are we wrong to say this?  I don't think so.  I think we can talk about desirable emotions and undesirable emotions as long as we also make specific behavior requests.  For example, we might say, "We're concerned because we think you aren't empathetic or considerate.  This can cause you problems throughout life if it isn't addressed.  So, from now on, with few exceptions, the whole family will spend at least 2 hours per day together, working on common goals.  Also, we'll do volunteer work as a family once per month."

If we take an approach like this, we're not ignoring the obvious and serious emotional or attitude issue--the lack of empathy or thoughtfulness toward others.  But we're not making the mistake of just yelling, "BE NICER!"  We're asking for behaviors that will naturally tend to cultivate teamwork and concern for others.  The first great American psychologist, William James, once wrote:

"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not."

As parents, we may want some of our kids feelings to change, but we should heed James' advice:  Pick behaviors that match the feelings we want our kids to have.  Then be patient.  Wait for the feelings to come.

The worst "no" you can remember

I was struck by something I read in William Ury's book:  The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No
Mr. Ury gives many seminars on negotiating, and, as a class exercise, he asks the students to describe the worst, most unpleasant experience in their lives that involved being told "no".  The point of this exercise is to show the contrast between the way these "no's" were stated and the more positive approach that Ury teaches.

Ury says that, most of the time, people taking his class--people in their forties, fifties, sixties, or seventies--vividly remember the frustration of a time when their parents or other adults told them "no" when they were teenagers.  Sometimes it was their parents abruptness, their tone, or--most often--their refusal to explain.  "Because I said so" resulted in feelings so bitter that they remained strong decades later as adults looked back on their teenage years.

This hit home for me because sometimes, like most parents of teenagers, I've been guilty of something similar.  I think I remember even reading or hearing from parenting "experts" that you should just state the rules and the consequences with minimal explanation.  Apparently, William Ury would not agree.  The rules and consequences might be non-negotiable, but Ury would say you absolutely should discuss the positive intent of the rules in as much detail as your teenager needs to understand what good purpose you are trying to achieve.

Power of a Positive No

I'm reading a new book that can help me both with excess demands at work and with raising teenage boys.  It's called "The Power of a Positive No", by William Ury.  Here's a link to the book on Amazon.com:
The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No

This author has amazing credentials as an expert in negotiation, having been involved in international diplomacy, hostage situations, and having written several of the all time best sellers on negotiation, such as "Getting to Yes".
Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In

What I like about this book is that my top negotiation issues lately have involved my need to say "no".  Some of it involves saying "no" at work when I'm asked to deliver more than I think is humanly possible.  The rest involves being a parent.

A parent's negotiations primarily involve saying "no" as we set limits for kids, telling them what they can't do.  Ury's book is about how to say "no" in a way that is powerful, compelling, respectful, compassionate, and that preserves or even deepens your relationship with the other person.  The book is about all kinds of situations in which you must say "no" to achieve important goals, not just situations with kids, but he does give many parenting examples.

His basic method involves these steps.  I'll illustrate with the example of when we set limits on how much TV the kids can watch each day while they are on summer vacation:

• Get ready to say "no" in three steps.  
• (1) Clarify for your self your positive intent.  For the TV situation, I've thought and blogged about how reducing TV has the benefit of forcing kids to find more productive uses for their time.
• (2) Identify your "Plan B".  What will you do next on your own if the other person refuses to cooperate?
• (3) Start the conversation with the other person in a way that shows respect and builds trust.  Listen to the other person.  Try to understand their point of view.T
• Then say "no" in three steps.
• (1) Say "yes".  Start by telling the other person your positive intent.  This is your "yes".  Tell the teenager how you want to have them get out of the house more, get more active, etc., and how you are concerned that TV is a barrier to this.
• (2) Say "no".  Tell them what you say "no" to:  what do you refuse to do or refuse to let them do.  Do so calmly but firmly.  "Your mother and I have decided we need to limit television to ___ hours per day."
• (3) Say "yes" by inviting them to participate with you in defining how this will work best.  "How can we track how much TV you are watching?  What system will we use?  What would work for you?"  You don't withdraw the "no" at this point.  You just provide the option to involve the other person.  This makes it easier for them to accept the "no" and reduces the risk of creating distance in the relationship.  You want to avoid having the teenager who doesn't want to be with his parents because they always nag.

Get it done, then have fun

I think we took a big step forward yesterday toward having more fun as a family.  I've often envied some of my friends' families because they seem to find more time for fun than we do.  They're out more often with their kids, having more cookouts, more time in parks, more going to festivals.

What about us?  The kids don't have the "adventure" gene.  Except for sports--which leaves my wife out of the equation--they'd rather stay home.  And when they are home, they'd like to spend most of their time with electricity--TV, the internet, iTouch, and videogames.

We took our first step we took to shake things up last week by making them sign up every morning for specific hours when they would each have "electricity".  We took our second step yesterday.

There are things we'd like them to do each day even though they are on vacation.  Thirty minutes of reading, a little bit of journaling, and some chores.  In the past, they've procrastinated all day with these tasks.  Every time we have to remind them, Chris and I would get more and more irritated.  Meanwhile, the day would fritter away.  By the time they do it all--if they EVER do it all--it's too late to go out as a family and have fun.  Another weekend day wasted that could have brought us closer together as a family.

Yesterday, we laid down the new law:

1. Wake up
2. Then do this
3. Then do that
4. Then this
5. Then check for chores and do them immediately

It's not just a list.  It's a non-negotiable standard series of events for each morning.  We laminated 2 copies of the list.  And, in case they misplace the lists, we typed it into an iPhone app so that they can find the list if they find our iPhone, iTouch, or iPad.  No excuses.

We don't like to be dictators.  But our kids have ADD.  So do I.  Without lists and structure, it is very hard for them and for me to get things done efficiently.  We had to give this strict structure a try.

It made a huge difference yesterday.  We had to drive them hard for an hour to show that the list was REALLY non-negotiable.  But once it all got done, we went to Summer Fair.  They rode paddleboats and ferris wheels while Chris and I strolled along shopping for artwork for the house.  Later that day, I played tennis with the boys.  We had a blast.  It felt like an unusually care free day.  It started with dictatorship and ended with freedom.

A Geek's Guide to Discipline

I've always had a hard time developing good habits.  I've made resolution after resolution about exercise, eating right, writing every day, etc.  I've read books about how to develop good habits and stick to them, but I haven't been very successful, and I have often felt disappointed in myself.

I came up with a new approach in February.  It's probably way too geeky for most people.  Shows the engineer in me.  I picked several good habits I'd like to do on most days such as meditating for 20 minutes, exercising for 30 minutes, and doing some kind of thoughtful journaling (such as in this blog or in a personal journal).  In February, I started tracking these habits daily in Excel so that I could measure how well I was sticking to them.  This has been by far the best success I've had, and it has been going on now for 4 months.

Each day I give myself a "point" for everything I did, such as a point for exercise, and zero points for anything I skipped.  For any week, I hope to get at least 70% of all possible "points".  This means I did my good habits 70% of the time that week.  As shown below, I've had about 4 bad weeks and 12 good ones.  The bad weeks were when I had long business trips with 12 hour days.  I might have been just 40% successful with good habits those weeks versus my 70% goal.  But I think before I started this system, and before I ever tracked my progress, a week with a business trip usually meant NO exercise, meditation, or writing.  I'm not satisfied with just hitting 40% on business trips.  With my new system, I'll be able to see if I improve, starting this week because I'll be traveling again.

TV and teenagers

Summer vacation just started for my boys and with it comes the usual danger:

• the kids spending too much free time on TV, Internet, and videogames

We just set daily limits for the kids.  We're probably not being strict enough, but setting these limits got me thinking about why all the experts say too much time with electronics is bad for kids.

When kids watch TV or play videogames,  they get stimulation without any effort.  They don't need to travel anywhere to explore new environments.  Just point and click with the remote control.  The TV has virtual "friends" going out of their way to humor or thrill my kids.  These virtual "friends" on the TV screen ask for nothing in return; my kids don't have to listen to them, treat them with respect, or consider their feelings.

If I limit their electricity, my kids get bored, and boredom can be wonderful!  To get the stimulation they crave, my kids have to go to the neighborhood pool and engage with real people!  Imagine that!  People who aren't going to put up with rudeness, who expect to take turns speaking, who expect to be treated fairly, and who will give them feedback if they don't like the way my kids are acting.  What a great way for them to learn social skills!

Similarly, if their environment is boring them, they have to get off the couch, go outside, and explore new places and activities.  Exercise!  Effort!  And best of all, they are exploring REALITY instead of VIRTUAL REALITY.

This all seems obvious, but I guess I never thought as clearly before about how time with TV is time that should have been spent exploring new places, new activities, and new social interactions.  I never realized that the gift of limited TV and videogame time is BOREDOM--a boredom that inspires kids to engage with the world.