Doing Nothing, Every Day

Not all day, of course.  But at least once--preferably twice--per day, I need to do nothing.  For 10-20 minutes, give myself permission to let everything go.  Family.  Work.  Volunteer work.  Chores.  Don't even think about, "Later on I better remember to . . ."  Let it all go.  Derail the train of constant mental chatter and planning and remembering and hoping and worrying and just tune in to my breathing, instrumental music, nature, or whatever.

My family is on vacation in Lexington Kentucky this week.  At times, I've had trouble keeping thoughts of work and volunteer projects out of my head.  This morning I was meditating by the fountains in Triangle Park.  Thoughts of several projects kept popping up, unwelcome, into my head.  So I just started repeating to myself the mantra, "I don't have to do anything right now.  I don't have to do anything. . ."  And finally I was able to get fully absorbed in the sound and the sight of the rushing water.

Healthy Conflict

Is it just my imagination?  In the last few weeks, I've:

• Confronted someone in a plant site who often deviates from agreed to plans unless I'm in town to keep an eye on things.  In the past, I would have let this go, thinking, "He doesn't work for me, and he has other priorities."  But now, I'm more willing to say, "If you are tempted to deviate from the plan, I expect an immediate phone call so that I'm involved in the decision."
• In spite of fierce resistance and anger, raised concerns about a corporate software project that I felt was moving in the wrong direction
• Confronted someone in the company who was developing a system in parallel to the one I was developing, even though mine was the "official" sanctioned effort.  After he and I talked for a few hours, we teamed up, are working jointly to develop the system. The final system will be actually be 80% his ideas and just 20% mine, but I'm thrilled because we're not doing redundant work.  We're enjoying working together, and I feel proud of myself for going from conflict to partnership in just a few hours.

All of this just isn't like me.  I've normally shunned conflict.  I really credit the EMDR meditation that I've been  writing about for the last few weeks.  I've focused on getting more comfortable with confrontation and criticism.  I've been recalling past criticism and listening to EMDR soundtracks from iTunes to "process" these memories.  And I think it's more than a coincidence.  I think this is why lately I have been willing to plunge into healthy, well-intentioned conflict whenever the situation calls for it.

Healing the Healthy

I didn't find what I was looking for until the last two pages of Francine Shapiro's book, EMDR-Eye Movement Desentitization & Reprocessing.  I had been hoping to find something in Shapiro's book supporting my gut feeling that EMDR could be applied not just to healing after trauma but also to healing the healthy--to making a good life even better.  Finally, in the next to last page, I read that, "The accelerated learning that takes place with EMDR is not limited to going from dysfunctional to functional behavior.  The learning can also go from functional to exceptional."  Shapiro goes on to explain how EMDR clinicians have become coaches for athletes and musicians to help them visualize success and achieve peak performance.

As I've described in my last few blogs, EMDR is a therapeutic technique that works by mimicking the Rapid Eye Movement of dreams to enable vivid "dreaming" while awake.  It can be Rapid Eye Movement, but it can also be Rapid "Ear" Movement if the subject listens with headphones to sounds that alternate rapidly from left to right.  Based on my personal experience listening to EMDR audio-tracks, I buy into the idea that this simple technique can lead to more vivid memories of the past or more vivid visualizations of the future.

EMDR started with a focus on healing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--helping someone who personally or through a loved one has experienced a crime, an illness, an accident, or a natural disaster.  When the person "dreams" about the trauma in a safe environment, with the support of a professional therapist, they make remarkable progress facing their past and getting it behind them.

But can this same "dream" state help us in a more positive way?   Can it help us deal with minor issues?  Even more positively, can it help us vividly dream about success?  The last couple of pages of Shapiro's book suggest that this can happen.

At times in my daily meditations in the last few weeks, I've experimented with listening to EMDR soundtracks while visualizing success at work, success spiritually, with my family, in volunteer work, success at relaxing, at achieving intense and pure concentration on my breath during meditation, at visualizing the future 5 years from now.  I can't be sure, but I think the EMDR soundtrack acts like "steroids" for my imagination.  It becomes easier for me to picture the way I want things to be.

Meditating on What Upsets Me

In a recent post ("Healing Meditation") I wrote about a psychotherapy technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reintegration).  The method involves shifting attention rhythmically from left to right, left to right--either with the eyes or the ears--in a way that mimics the rapid eye movement of dreams, while recalling traumatic memories.  In countless studies, EMDR has been shown to be amazing effective at helping people traumatized by war, crime, and natural disasters recall their traumas vividly--as if their dreamlike eye movements induce a "dreaming" state--and then they naturally, with little help from the therapist, heal themselves.  They "deal with" the trauma effectively and quickly, even if they've been tormented by it for 30 years.  Here's a link to a website for more information:  EMDR.com.

Nobody knows exactly why the technique works, but some of the speculations that I've read about ring true to me.  I've read that the left-right shifting of the eyes or of recorded sound might cause both sides of the brain to engage in processing the memory of the event.  The logic of the left brain and intuition of the right brain are both engaged in dealing with the memory of the event.  It's like making sure that you apply all the tools available to you, all the mental strengths you have, to the task of deciding, "What did this event mean?  What lessons can I learn?  What does this tell me about who I am?  Am I safe?  Was I to blame in any way?  What REALLY happened, and what can I expect in the future?"

The other speculation that I've read is that EMDR mimics dreaming, and that dreaming is the way humans best deal with trauma.  When we are awake, our consciousness is dominated by our verbal, logical left brain. Our intuitive, emotional right brain is relatively unconscious and disengaged.  We need both sides of our brain in balance to know the truth about what happened to us when a tornado destroyed our home, when a loved one died, when we were victims of a crime, or when we saw our friends die in combat.  So humans heal themselves through dreams.  In dreams, the eyes shift rapidly from left to right to engage both sides of the brain equally.  We are balanced in applying our brains to the memories that we dream about.  And then we rapidly heal ourselves just as we form clots and scars to heal physical wounds.

In her book, EMDR: The Breakthrough "Eye Movement" Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety, Stress, and Trauma, Dr. Francine Shapiro, who discovered the technique, gives many case studies of the method.  She cautions that the method is too powerful for people to apply to themselves without the help of a trained EMDR therapist.  But I've decided to experiment with applying EMDR to myself for minor issues, things that are not traumatic, but things that do tend to upset me.  Shapiro did the same thing to herself as she developed the method.

I call this "Meditating on What Upsets Me".  As best as I can, I do try to follow the basic process Shapiro describes in her book.  I'll start by picking a topic to focus on--something that is not traumatic but has often upset me or annoyed me over the years.  The topic I've worked on the most since I started experimenting with EMDR has been that it has often upset me if I've been criticized harshly and (in my opinion) the criticism wasn't fair.

I'll then listen to an EMDR recording with headphones.  My favorite recording is the music of Liborio Conti, "EMDR Meditations".  I tune into the shifting left-right chimes, bells, or percussion of each piece.  I relax deeply.  Then I recall a key event or two from childhood, from school, or even from as late as last week that fits with the topic.  Shapiro calls this memory the current "target".

The oscillating sounds seem to make it easier to remember the event clearly.  As Shapiro suggests in her book, I'll deliberately dwell on any self-doubts triggered by the event.  Being criticized may have made me doubt myself, even when I felt the criticism was wrong.  Then I'll dwell on what I'd rather believe.  "I was right all along.  The other person misunderstood me or the situation."

If I follow this process correctly, I should eventually become less sensitive to harsh criticism.  I should end up being bolder, more willing to engage leadership with a controversial proposal, even at the risk of criticism.  And if the criticism comes, I'll be less likely to be upset by it. It's hard to measure, but I think at work I've felt that I AM getting bolder and more willing to engage higher-ups on issues that matter.

I've also applied "Meditation on What Upsets Me" to some other things that have bugged me over the years.  It's a technique that requires practice.  I don't like to do the same kind of meditation every day, and it is giving me a healing alternative.

At last, finished writing my book!!!

For years, I wanted to write a book entitled "Embrace Your Changing Self".  Many of the people who have helped me most in life are people whom I've never met but who wrote books about happiness, about parenting, about succeeding at work, about spirituality.  I felt that I had something of a gift for reflecting on the ideas in these books and putting them in my own words and applying them to my own life and that I too might be able to help others as these authors have helped me by sharing my thoughts.  So I dreamed that I could write this book and, through it, have a positive effect on at least a few of the people around me.

But the idea of writing a book was intimidating.  What if I poured my heart and soul into drafting a book and could not get published?  Could I really convince anyone to publish it?  I'm just an engineer, not a psychologist or someone with years of Buddhist training.  Could this all be just a dead end?

Year after year, my friends and relatives would ask, "So how's it going on your book?"  I'd answer sheepishly, "OK.  Just writing a little here and there."  But I was actually embarrassed because my progress was so slow.  I had writer's block.  The whole idea of investing this time and possibly never getting someone to publish the book, the idea that nobody except friends and family would read my book and that even they would do so out of loyalty and a recognition of how important this is to me--all this left me unable to just create, to just let the words flow.

But tonight, I celebrate.  I've written my book!!!!!!!  This is my 200th posting on this blog.  In my heart, for several months, I've felt that reaching blog posting #200 would mark the realization of my dream.  200 blog posts feels like enough blog posts to say that I've produced as much material as a person might find in a book.  I've written my book!!!!!  It no longer feels like something that I hope to do someday but that I have no control over and that I'm not making much progress on year after year.  

Thank God for the Internet, for the ability to express myself without having to persuade a publisher to invest in giving me the opportunity to reach out to others.  In the last few months this website has grown from 300 page views per month to 600-700.  That's not an amazing number, but how many people would I have reached with an expensive, physical paperback or hardcover book?  Maybe 10, including my wife?

Tonight, I celebrate.  I'm entitled to it.  I realized one of my life's dreams.  I wrote a book.  The posts I write in the future are just adding to the dream.