Getting a Gratitude Attitude

Psychologists agree that, if you want to be happier in life, it helps to cultivate a feeling of gratitude. For example, see this video regarding Sony Lyubormirsky's research into the impact on happiness of writing in gratitude journals: Lyubormirsky on You Tube.  One of the surprising things about this research is that writing down what you are grateful for has a much bigger impact on happiness for most people if you only do it once per week versus the group that did it 3 times per week or the control group that didn't do it at all.  Why?  The professor concludes that if you do it too often, it becomes a chore.  You don't feel energized.  

Imagine if there was another way to cultivate gratitude, a method that you could use every day and always feel deep emotional appreciation for the blessings you are counting.  How to do this?  One option is to apply the methods of the ancient Stoics--the Greek and Roman philosophers whose philosophy thrived between 350 BC and 200 AD (Stoicism-Wikipedia).   I recently read "A Guide to the Good Life (the Ancient Art of Stoic Joy)", by William Irvine.  The author is a professor at Wright State University who is convinced that many of the practices of the Stoics can be applied to modern life.  He feels that the common view of Stoics as serious and unemotional is wrong and that they actually had practical advice on how to cultivate deep appreciation every day for what you have.  In other words, the Stoics developed methods to cultivate a gratitude attitude.

Their key method for this is now described as "negative visualization".  Here is a link describing it: negative visualization.  The idea is to recognize that you never know when you could lose something around you that you cherish.  There are no guarantees that your dog will be here tomorrow, or your house, or your family, or your job, or the nice weather outside, or your health, or your life.  The idea isn't to dwell on these thoughts morbidly, just to quickly acknowledge the fact that these things are not necessarily permanent.  This sounds depressing, but the result--according to the Stoics--is great joy.  A few minutes a day of this practice, applied to a few things around you, can cause you to take nothing for granted.  You cherish what could perish, and when you recognize the reality of change and impermanence, you are more likely to care deeply about what you already have.

Some or Nothing

Psychologists describe various common thinking errors--thoughts that cause us to fall short of what we would otherwise accomplish or enjoy.  One of the most common of these, and maybe the biggest faulty thinking error that I suffer from, is "all or nothing thinking".

"Either this blog post has to be perfect or it's not worth writing."  Is this the thought that has led me to not write for 4 months in this blog?  Yes, I've been traveling far more on business than ever.  But I feel bad when I don't blog for months.

When I succumb to "all or nothing" thinking, I tend to go overboard and neglect my family if I pursue my personal interests.  That is not OK.  But could I have it all if I was willing to be satisfied with less?  If I change from "all or nothing" to "some or nothing", can I do everything my family needs AND satisfy my interests?

Getting Ready to Serve

Great tennis players go through highly personal rituals to help them concentrate before they serve.  Baseball players do the same before they step up to the plate to face the pitcher.  Competitors in all sports use routines to center themselves.  Would we all benefit from similar routines before we step up to the plate in our homes and our offices?

I listened to a great podcast from "3minutehypnosis.com".  The episode for "Instant Confidence" takes you through a long hypnosis intended to create a ritual that--unlike bouncing a tennis ball or kissing a baseball bat--is something you can do in any environment without getting noticed.  You choose your ritual early in the podcast.  The ritual is called an "anchor".  The anchor includes your choice of a subtle hand gesture, an image of someone--a hero--who you feel epitomizes confidence, and a word you say to yourself such as "strong" or the name of your hero.  Then you are guided in the podcast to recall a time in your life in which you felt totally in command of the situation, felt you were on a roll, at your best.  You then "fire your anchor"--your hand gesture, image, and the word you say to yourself.  You are guided to repeat this several more times during the hypnosis session, recalling different wonderful times in your life when you felt in total control.  At the end of the session, you now have a tool you can use in any situation to generate a sense of confidence and ease.

I have been using this technique for a week now and find it so simple yet so powerful.  In meetings, at home, in almost any situation, if I notice some stress I slyly, secretly "fire my anchor" and I always seem to feel more in command of the situation.

Slicing up Time

I recently read a book on improving one's productivity called "Work Simply" by Carson Tate.  I thought the most unique part of her book was that she believes that individuals will be more productive if they use work planning methods that are aligned to what she calls their "Personal Productivity Style".  In her past research, she developed a very short assessment tool for identifying your "Personal Productivity Style".  Everyone in my family took the test and the results matched how we perceived ourselves and perceived each other.  She writes that you can find the tool on her website, carsontate.com, but I haven't been able to find it there yet.

In different chapters of "Work Simply", Carson describes what works best for "Prioritizers", "Planners", "Arrangers", and "Visualizers" in different areas:  managing emails, making To Do lists, managing their calendars, setting up their workspaces, running meetings, and working with teams.  One common theme seems to be how finely people with these different productivity styles will carve up time or projects.  On one end of the spectrum, "Prioritizers" book their calendars in detail, with 20 minutes of answering emails followed by 15 minutes up making phone calls followed by 30 minutes each on 4 projects.  They also quickly divide projects into small tasks, set priorities, and plunge through from one to the next without hesitation.  On other end of the spectrum, "Visualizers" have "theme days":  Mondays are for Marketing, Tuesdays are for networking, Wednesdays for strategizing, and so on.  Of course they will be flexible enough to react to urgent needs, but they feel best when the whole day has a unifying theme and priority.  And, when it comes to projects, they spend more time with the big picture and dread working the details.

I like Carson's attitude that no one set of planning tools will work for everyone.  She does recognize that there are some things that will help anyone be productive such as a calendar and a task list.  But she encourages people identify their own productivity style by using her assessment tool and then to ask themselves whether they'd be happier and more productive if they took their personal productivity style into account and rearrange their desks, block out their calendars differently, and or change the time horizon and detail in their To-Do Lists.  A little experimenting doesn't hurt either.  Based on the Assessment Tool, I'm a Planner first and Prioritizer second but sometimes I find that the occasional "Theme Day" gives me a break from overwhelming detail.

Happiness is not for Sissies

One of the key themes of the book The Undefeated Mind by Alex Lickerman is that it takes strength to be happy.  You need to be tough.  You need to be thick skinned.  Happiness is not for the timid.  You have to be bold and able to take a punch.

Although we genetically are born with a different starting point for how cheerful we are--what psychologists often refer to as a "happiness setpoint"--we will all suffer.  We will all have misfortunes.  Happiness requires resilience.  Dr. Lickerman describe two aspects to resilience:

1. The ability to thrive in the face of adversity
2. Persistence when encountering obstacles

Resilience, to Dr. Lickerman, is a strength we can cultivate.  His book describes the exercises that make you resilient.  They make you hardy.  Tough enough to stay happy when things don't go your way.

Clarify your personal mission in the various roles you play in life (career, family, etc.).  Make important commitments.  Expect victory but only through hard work overcoming plenty of obstacles.  Believe you can still be happy even after pain or loss.  Cultivate gratitude.  Help others.  These practices are the push-ups that give you the strength to stay happy even when things get tough.

Optimistic about the Outcome, Pessimistic about the Path

Optimistic about the outcome:  "I'm going to make it.  I know I've got the skill, the strength, and the patience to find a way to succeed."

Pessimistic about the path:  "I'll succeed, but it won't be easy.  I may find myself in some very difficult situations.  I might not always know at first what I should do next.  I might slip at times and might get scared.  I'll have to tap into my reserves of endurance, patience, and courage before I finally reach the top."

In his book The Undefeated Mind, Alex Lickerman describes his ideas for strengthening your ability to handle adversity.  One of his recommendations is to "expect obstacles".  He describes research showing that people who expect tasks to be difficult tend to persist when things to wrong while those who expect tasks to be easy give up easily.  He recommends what I see as a delicate balance between optimism and pessimism.  In some of his chapters he talks about making vows about your important goals.  In these chapters, I see him advocating optimism--confidence that for most of these vows you will prevail somehow, even if the outcome isn't exactly what you expected.  And in the "expect obstacles", I see him advocating pessimism at least about what he calls "task difficulty".

I think this is a brilliant and all to rare balance of being positive and being negative.  Most authors these days seem to push for nothing but positive thinking.  The worst cases, to me, are the ones who tell you to just visualize things the way you want them to be and then wait for the mysterious power of the universe to manifest your dreams.  Lickerman, instead, tells you to dream but then plan on a very tough road to reach that dream.  Better to be pleasantly surprised when you reach that dream easily than to get discouraged and give up the first time anything goes wrong.

Your Mission, If You Choose to Accept It . . .

According to The Undefeated Mind, by Alex Lickerman, defining your mission at work and at home can lead to more resilience in the face of life's upheavals.  Dr. Lickerman defines your mission as whatever you feel most excited about contributing to the world around you.

This mission will be different for everyone.  For me, when I'm at work, the "mission" that turns me on the most is to improve morale for the technicians who operate our production lines.  This ISN'T my job description.  I'm supposed to improve production results to improve profits, not morale.  But there is enough overlap that I can put a lot of my energy into reducing frustration and tedium for factory workers, into making them feel confident and skilled and in control, and this makes my work feel more meaningful and important to me than it would if I focused solely on manufacturing cost.  And having this sense of purpose makes it easy to cope with the inevitable project failures, budget cuts, difficult people, and other obstacles that we all encounter in our jobs.

I have different missions for the other roles I play in life outside of work.  My missions are unique for me, but they aren't special.  They are no better than what another person might choose for their own lives.  Alex Lickerman's advice is that, for each role you have in life--each context you find yourself in daily such as work and home--you think through the question "What is my mission here?   What way of contributing to the world outside myself is most fulfilling for me in this part of my life?"  And then keep reminding yourself about that mission every day.