Freedom: the Currency of Teenagers

I often wonder with my teenage boys how to get them to care about the things that I feel are good for them, that I want them to master before they leave my home, but which currently they could not care less about.  Eating fruits and vegetables.  Learning to consciously relax and even to meditate.  Building certain social skills.  These are things that they might learn later, but there are no guarantees of this and if we could cultivate these habits while they are under our roof, we'd be more confident that they would become lifelong habits.

So how to perk their interest?  Explaining the benefits of fruits and vegetables, of relaxation, of exercise, of self-awareness, and so on may have some value.  Maybe years from now they'll remember what we said.  I think a parent's words often make an impact years after the same words were ignored.  But how do we know that they won't ignore our advice for the rest of their lives?  How can we motivate them to develop good habits while they still live at home with us?

But I got a new idea from a fine book, Getting it Right with Teens, by Madelyn Swift.  Swift has a general rule for dealing with teenagers.  Their currency is freedom.  They want to make their own choices.  This is the reward you can always hold out for them if you want them to do something.

If there is an area in their lives in which you'd like them to make responsible choices--such as what they eat--you start off by making choices for them.  "This is the food I'm cooking.  It is nutritious, and I'm doing the best I can to make it tasty.  But I'm not giving you many choices yet about what I'm cooking.  You want freedom? You want to eat whatever you want?  I want that too.  I want you to make your own choices because you're going to be making them soon in college and other situations where I'm not around.  I'd love to 'get out of your hair'.  But first I need to see you make responsible choices.  Because I have to make sure I do what is best for you as a parent, even if you're not thrilled about it at first.  But trust me.  We have the same goal.  I want you to be free.  But first, work with me.  Eat some fruits and vegetables and we'll quickly expand your freedom, let you slip in junk food, let you tell me what to buy at the grocery store.  You'll love the freedom, and I'll love feeling like you're likely to make good choices when you are on your own."

In every aspect of teenage life--dating, going out with friends, eating, deciding when to do homework and when to slack off, decorating your room, what to do with free time--hold out the promise of freedom, of autonomy, of establishing your unique lifestyle in return for responsible behavior that keeps your teenager safe, healthy, successful, and happy.