When listening is hard

Sometimes I'm at a meeting and it's hard for me to listen to whoever is speaking.  This is especially true if I have a big deadline.  It's not the speaker's fault.  The problem is that I'm at work, focused on my goals, and they're talking about something else.  I can't wait to get to back to the tasks that will move me toward my goals.

It happened this morning.  The speaker was a friend.  He's smart.  He was describing the strategy of his organization.  It was an impressive strategy, and he was describing it eloquently.  But still, I could hardly make myself listen.  It just wasn't something that was directly moving me closer to my challenging goals.  When I feel as if my goals leave no room for error, and no time to spare, then I can't easily focus on what someone else has to say on some other subject, even if that person is my friend and what he's saying makes sense.

So what to do?  One thing that often works for me is to focus on my breathing.  I'm there in the meeting, tuning into my inhalations and exhalations, and suddenly I'm making eye contact with the speaker.  I'm taking it all in.  I catch their eye and I can tell they notice and appreciate my attention.  The more I focus on my breath, the more I focus on their words, as if my lungs are connected to my ears.

Why does this seem to work for me?  I think, given my practice of meditation, when I pay attention to my breathing I remember to tune into the present moment.  In this moment, in this meeting, I'm not going to move any closer to my top work goals.  So in this moment, I can forget about those goals and listen closely to my friend.

Chores that make a difference

Some weekends, I'm energized by the chores I do at home.  Other times, the chores just feel like an obligation. They bore me, and make me crabby.  Why?

I think I'm energized by chores that make a lasting impact.  Last weekend, for example, I reorganized the garage in a way that created more space for the cars.  It is SO much easier to get the cars in and out, and their is much more room to walk around the cars carrying stuff.  The changes should last because I've got bicycles, carts, wheelbarrows and other items hung on the walls that used to rest against walls.

This is pretty mundane stuff, but doing chores that make a lasting difference feels good for me.  The weekends that make me crabby are those in which I simply make repairs, clean things, or do other work that doesn't actually leave a place BETTER than it was before I started.  If I just KEEP UP, or just restore a room to the condition it used to be in, I feel as if I'm running in place.

I have to be willing to do this restorative work.  It isn't glamorous work.  I have to share it with the rest of the family.  But I want to be conscious of how much more I enjoy making IMPROVEMENTS.  Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance recommends that you become mindful of the activities that you enjoy at work and those that you don't, and then fill your work day with activities that energize you.  This same strategy applies to your activities at home.  It helps to choose those home activities that energize you.

If I favor the chores I most enjoy--the chores that make a lasting change in the home--I think I'll be happier, I'll contribute more to the family, and we'll all win.  Or, at a minimum, we'll all be able to get in and out of the garage!

If you could go shopping at Amazon

Imagine the ultimate department store.  If you decide you want to go there, you can get there in 10 seconds.  You walk in.  You ask to see some headphones in Electonics.  Instantly, you are transported to the right department and there in front of you are hundreds of headphones.  Feeling overwhelmed, you ask to see just the noise cancelling headphones.  Now you have a few dozen choices.  It's still hard to decide until you notice that there is a sign above each model that lists the "Average Customer Review".  Now you focus on the few that average 4 out of 5 stars or higher and are in your price range.

You pick one up, wondering what are its best and worst features.  Suddenly, 55 people show up who bought that same pair of headphones and have strong opinions about them.  They all want to tell you about their experiences to help you make the right choice.  Again, you don't know where to begin.  So someone suggests, "why don't you first ask the people who loved the headphones, the ones who gave them 5 stars?"  You agree, and now you only have 20 people to deal with.  They quickly tell you what they liked and didn't like.  Then you check with a few of the people who did NOT like the headphones.  

You repeat this process for the 2 or 3 other most highly rated and affordable headphones.  Finally, you make your choice, basing it on detailed customer feedback, confident that you will be satisfied.

You decide you want to also get a new coffeemaker, some books, garden tools, and clothing.  In every case you buy with confidence because of all the customers who let you know what worked well for them and what did not work.

This fantasy department store is how I see Amazon.com.  I know this sounds like a commercial, but the site never ceases to amaze me, and I rarely end up with a product that disappoints me.

You're Hired!!!!

For the last 2 weeks, my top priority has been picking the right candidate for an important job.  There is a lot of risk in this hiring decision.  As of right now, none of the candidates has the skills and knowledge to do the job.  So I've had to decide based on my best guess about potential.

I think I have my man.  I had been thinking for 2 weeks about the recommendations regarding interviews of the book Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance  The author says that your top priority in interviews should be to find out whether the TASKS that the job requires are the types of tasks that the person has shown himself to be attracted to.

1. In this person's history, have they tended to volunteer for similar tasks?  
2. Explore what activities the person finds most rewarding.  Will this job provide similar rewards?
3. What activities has the person been successful doing.  Will similar things be required by this job?

If the answers to the three questions above is yes, then the job applicant has strengths in the types of activities the job requires.  I just finished the interviews, and  I think I one of the candidates has the strengths needed for the job.  He does not yet have the skills and knowledge.  But I think the job fits his strengths so well that he'll train himself with the intensity of an athlete preparing for the Olympics.

The Messages We Send

Last week, I had some training at work based on the book The Corporate Athlete: How to Achieve Maximal Performance in Business and Life.  I found one exercise especially thought provoking.  We each had to list our bad habits and why we find each habit attractive and hard to quit.  Then we had to think about the messages each habit sends to the people around us.

This part of the exercise had an impact on me.  What message do I send my co-workers if I go to a meeting and catch up on my e-mails?  What message do I send my kids if I have a few drinks because I'm upset?  I think my bad habits are relatively innocent, and I have lots of great habits, too.  But when I think about the messages my worst habits send to friends and family, I feel motivated to change.

The instructor described a study of people trying to quit smoking.  What group of people has had by far the most success quitting smoking?   Pregnant women.  Sometimes knowing what your habits do to others is more compelling than knowing what your habits do to you.

Hit and Run Mentoring

Every Friday morning at work, an alarm goes off on my computer reminding me to mentor someone.  Anyone.  Look across the sea of cubicles for someone who doesn't look too busy.  Someone I haven't talked to in a while.  Someone I usually don't work with.

I pick someone and ask if they've got 10 minutes to go to a huddle room and talk.  They look puzzled, wondering what I'm looking for.  We get to the room and I tell them I've made a habit of what I call "hit and run mentoring".  I just check on someone, find out how they are doing, let them talk about their projects or anything that's bothering them.  I tell them I believe in mentoring people at work, just as we've all been taught to do, but that the formality of asking someone, "Can you be my mentor?", is often so intimidating that nobody gets around to it.  And if you do get around to it, what if the person you ask doesn't really want to do be your mentor, but they feel they can't say no?  Will your meetings be clouded by their resentment?  Or what if they DO want to be your mentor, and you soon learn that the relationship doesn't work for you?  How do you get out of it?

To avoid these issues, most of my mentoring is "hit and run".  I ensure the other person that there's no commitment.  I just want to hear what's going on with them for a few minutes and offer suggestions if they want them.  I usually pick people who have a lot less experience in the company than I do or who are lower ranking managers, people I'm more likely to be able to help.

I find that my 10 minute "mentees" are usually quite grateful for the interest I show in them, all the questions I ask, and the coaching I offer.  The experience often leaves me with a little high that lasts for an hour or more.  It fits with my personality since I've tested high for "Woo", which amounts to "schmoozing" or bantering with acquaintances.  So it fits my strengths and gives me the reward of giving to others.  It also makes me a little less shy about approaching people higher up the org chart than I am and asking them for 10 minutes of mentoring when I need help.

Let yourself go

For the last few weeks, I let myself go.  Some tough personal stuff happened.  And I got lax in some of the habits that usually keep me happy and optimistic.

I wasn't meditating every day.  I wasn't as careful about nutrition.  I almost never exercised.  I wasn't writing every day.  I wasn't listing all the things I am grateful for.

This isn't unusual.  A lot of people let themselves go when times get rough.  Things are better now and I'm getting back to my good habits.  But I'm wondering why it's so tempting to let yourself go in hard times.  

Maybe I stopped listing what I have to be grateful for, stopped meditating, and stopped seeking pleasure because I didn't WANT to cheer up.  Not yet.  Part of me may have sensed that if I worked on happiness, I'd fail to face my pain.  Maybe sometimes it's healthy to stop being healthy.  For a while.

I'm not really sure.  Would it have been better to keep meditating, writing, exercising, and counting my blessings?  Would this have made the last few weeks a little less bleak?   Or would these "happy habits" have distanced me from pain that I needed to address?