Irrational, Part 2

As I wrote in my last posting, I need to negotiate soon with someone who has, I feel, severe psychological issues.  I need his cooperation to reach a goal that matters a lot to me.

To negotiate with this person, I need to first address some relationship issues.  We don't need to become best friends.  But I need to address relationship issues that bear directly on my goal.

It isn't going to be easy.  When I listen to his perceptions of the situation, I expect to have to sift through mountains of paranoia and unjust accusations just to find scraps of sound reason.  I have to look for those scraps.  I have to acknowledge that those scraps make some sense, that I can see why he'd think those things.  Only if I do this with real sincerity will he believe that I respect his point of view.  Real sincerity.  I can't shortcut this process.  If he feels that I'm really listening to him and giving him some credit for his point of view on SOME things, there is a chance he'll listen when I completely dismiss his point of view in OTHER areas.

Overall, I'd say the odds of success aren't very high.  I can be patient.  I can listen.  I can acknowledge.  I can express my point of view respectfully.  But I'm guessing that this other person still will not budge.  I just need to know that I tried.

What if they are irrational?

Does the idea of fixing the relationship before negotiating apply when the other person has severe emotional or rational issues?  I have one such relationship at the moment.  I can't easily walk away from this relationship.  I have some important things that I want, and--like it or not--I need cooperation from someone who has unhealthy emotions, impure motives, and delusional thoughts.

I think the concept still applies.  If I want the other person to cooperate with me to meet some goal, then I have to work on the relationship.  Otherwise, I have to give up on the goal.  If you want peace in the Mid-East, you either nurture your relationship with some unsavory characters or give up on peace.

So I'm going to try to work on this relationship.  Based on the book, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, I will need to listen to this person's perceptions, even if I'm likely to hear many things that are paranoid and unflattering.  I'll need to let this person vent his emotions and not react, even if it gets ugly.   And I'll have to listen to their point of view, even if I don't agree.  I'll try to find some truth in his perceptions, some validity to his demands, some value to his goals.  And I'll have to calmly tell him my honest perceptions of him, tell him my emotions towards him, and express my point of view, even if he doesn't like it.

Only then will we be ready to talk about how to reach any goals together.

Fix these first

When we are negotiating, the book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In suggest we address relationship issues separately from the thing we are negotiating about.  In other words, address relationship issues apart from addressing who wants what and why do they want it.  Address the relationships separately and, if possible, before the actual negotiation.  So what are the relationship issues we should address?

The authors list three main areas.  In each of these three areas, it isn't just about fixing "the other guy".  It can also be about fixing yourself.  Both parties often have room for improvement.  Also, it helps to make the first move because you can control when this happens and because it often encourages "the other guy" to reciprocate.  A little humility, some willingness to make the first move, saves you a lot of time versus waiting for the other person to do what you think they SHOULD do.

• The first area is "perception".  What you want is for each party's perception to be as positive and empathetic about the "other guy" as the facts allow. 
• First, you should examine whether any of your negative opinions might be wrong.  You should try to understand things from the other person's point of view.  And you should think of the positive aspects of the other person.
• Second, as much as possible, you want to improve their perceptions of you.  The authors recommend approaching the "other guy" to discuss your perceptions of each other.  When they hear the ways you are trying to form a more positive understanding of them, they are likely to reciprocate.  The other approach the authors recommend is to act in ways that "prove them wrong".  If you know they have a negative opinion of you in an area, show them that they are wrong.  As I wrote in my last blog, I did this with someone I'm starting to negotiate with by deliberately explaining ideas that I thought would impress him in an area which he previously had expressed a low opinion of me.
• The second area is "emotion".  Things can get too emotional in a relationship to allow rational deal-making to take place.
• First, recognize and understand your own emotion.  Try to understand their emotion as well.
• Discuss with the other party your emotions and theirs.  
• Let the other side vent first, without reacting to any emotional outburst that they have.  Again, if you make the first move, you are in control of the rate at which you make progress, and the other side tends to allow you to reciprocate.
• The third area is "communication".
• Listen actively to their point of view, again being willing to make the first move.
• Speak up about your point of view.  Listening is not enough.  Use "I" language versus accusatory "you" language so that they will be more willing to accept your message.

Start with a handshake

As I wrote in my last blog, the first step in negotiating is deciding who I need to deal with.  And that it's common for me to make the wrong choice here.  I should address whoever has the power to make the decision I want them to make.  Instead, I deal with people close to that decision maker, people who can't make the decision but are friends of mine.  I'm hoping they will advocate for what I want.  I need to form a habit, instead, of dealing with the person who can close the deal.

Assuming I make the right choice in the future, and I approach the person with the authority to give me what I want, now what?  Start with a handshake.  Start with the relationship.

The book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In is the most acclaimed book ever on negotiating.  The authors have a four part method for negotiating in any situation from a hostage crisis to a business deal to how late my teenage son can be out with the car.  The first part involves relationship.  They call it "Separate the People from the Problem".

In essence, they say that too many people plunge straight into the problem:  What are they trying to achieve?  What are they asking for?  What is their bargaining position?

Ury and Fisher say that all negotiations involve human beings.  If you don't work on the human side--the relationship--you aren't likely to solve the problem.  This doesn't mean that you have to be best friends.  But their must be some amount of trust and communication to do something as simple as haggling for a old lamp at a yard sale.  And the authors recommend addressing this aspect of the negotiation consciously and SEPARATELY from the actual deal you are trying to make.

I put this into practice the other day.  The person I REALLY needed to deal with was someone I didn't want to talk to.  He used to work in our part of the company.  Years ago, I wanted a different position at work and heard that he had lobbied against me.  I got the position anyway, but I was upset that he had tried to keep me from landing the job.  I don't think he knows that I know what happened, but I still wasn't looking forward to talking to him.

But I called him anyway and, taking the advice of Ury and Fisher, I chose to work on the relationship first.  We talked family and eventually got to business, but even then I focused more on listening to him and establishing a bond and a sense of mutual respect than arguing my own point of view.  We can debate later.

Talk to the Boss

I long to be a better negotiator at work.  I'm probably average among my peers, but I see this as one of the biggest opportunities I have to make a bigger impact.  I have trouble persuading plants to staff roles, improve systems, develop skills, and take actions that I know are in their best interest.  Lots of people around me are in the same position.  It's not easy to persuade people who don't work for you to invest their time or their resources when they lack both.  But I'm sure I can do better.

The first thing I need is to engage the right people.  I tend to talk to the people I know well, but these are often NOT the people who make the budget and staffing decisions.  These are my friends in the manufacturing plants, the people I work with to solve problems.  But the plant managers who are NOT working on the production floor are the ones who own the budgets.  Like many others around me, I think I often wait too long to face the reality that I'm preaching to the wrong choir.  I may convince my project contacts that something is worthwhile, but I've got to convince their leadership and doing this indirectly is the slow road to success.

The same thing is true outside of the plants with central, corporate leadership.  It's easier to get my peers to sympathize with my position and together to moan about how leadership "just doesn't get it".  Instead, we all need to develop relationships with those at higher levels that make it easier for us to approach them when we really need to sell them on our ideas.

Picking your next step

In the time management book, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, David Allen emphasizes the importance of the very next action that will move you to completing each of your goals.  He points out that this isn't easy.  He suggests you take your time to make the right choice.

I took Allen's advice in the last couple of days with a staffing issue at work.  We're losing some corporate support for a computer system.  I think we need to create a new role to make up for the lost support.  But it's not my decision.  It's not my budget.  I'm not involved in the groups that make these decisions.

I was tempted to just e-mail my proposal to the people I know well who might be able to influence the decision.  Just start communicating to the first person that pops into my head.  But I decided, instead, to really think about the BEST people to talk to about this and the best way to reach out to them.  This led me to reach out to one person after another, all of whom were people I did NOT know well, people I am NOT comfortable with, but people who have turned out to be exactly the people I needed to work this with.  In just 2 days, I've built a lot of momentum to get this role staffed.  Had I not carefully picked each of my next steps, one at a time, had I just plunged ahead with the actions that came most naturally to me, I'm sure I wouldn't be this close this quickly to convincing the organization to staff this role.

If I was in the band

I try to meditate 20 minutes per day, and my favorite practice is to slip on a pair of noise cancelling headphones and listen to instrumental music on Pandora.com.  This isn't a traditional meditation practice, but give me one reason it isn't just as valid as sitting in a Lotus position focusing on my breath?

The main thing I like to do when meditating with music is to imagine that music is coming out of me, that I'm creating the sound to express emotions inside of me.  I want to experience the same feelings I would have if I was in the band.  If I was playing the guitar or the piano, and the music is deeply emotional, how would I feel?  I try to imagine that this is real, that sounds of the violin, the guitar, or the sax are coming from my deepest emotions.  I breathe in and breathe out and imagine myself taking in and releasing the sound that I'm hearing.

Of course it's a fantasy.  But I still get something from sucking in the feelings with each inhale and pushing them out with each exhale as if I was on stage.