Character Camp Day 8: Synergize

On Day 8 of "Character Camp", our families 10 day commitment to adopt new, common values and principles, we studied "Habit 6: Synergize" from The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

This chapter focused on valuing differences between yourself and other people.  A key challenge from the book was the question, "Do you tolerate diversity?  Or do you celebrate diversity?"  The difference is that many people may tolerate gender, ethnic, clothing, and style differences.  But do they really value how these differences can complement other people in a relationship or a team effort?

My kids have had the advantage of growing up in urban public schools, with friends of varying ethnic and economic backgrounds, and they've seen they're parents role model similar diverse relationships.  So I think they  go beyond tolerating this type of diversity.  But I couldn't let them off the hook TOO easily when reading this chapter.  I pointed out to one child that he often has little or no interest in anyone who isn't hooked on sports, and tends to assume that they would not be people he could relate to.  I said that this is a form of "prejudging" someone, and thus a mild form of "prejudice".  To celebrate the diversity of people with different hobbies and passions, one needs to be open to the possibility that these alternate passions could add spice to a friendship.

Another way I want to awaken this higher standard of celebrating diversity is to continue to help each child understand their uniqueness.  The Covey book does this by having them go through a quick personality test and having them define many of the things that make them unique.  The thought is that the more you realize the ways in which you have unique strengths and tendencies, the more curious you naturally become about the unique profile of strengths of every other person you meet.  You start to see how they have strengths that you don't, and start to see how they can complement you.  You feel the possibility of synergy.

Independent of the Covey book, I've had everyone in the family take the "Strengths Finder" test.  We've talked about each person's strengths based on this test.  We plan to complement this self discovery process by having everyone go through other tests such as the "Enneagram".  I think that taking these tests has helped each child feel more special, develop a better understanding of how they can excel, and develop a better appreciation for the differences in the talents of the people that they meet.

Character Camp Day 7: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Today for "Character Camp" with the kids, we read the chapter called "Habit 5:  Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood" in Sean Covey's book, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.


Covey seems to be saying in this chapter that you should always try to understand another person's point of view before adding your own point of view.  The kids had fun arguing about this.  If two people who've read this book try to start a conversation, who's gonna talk first?


I'm sure that what Covey means is that, when you can tell that the other person really has something they need to get off their chest, then you should always follow the sequence:  seek first to understand, then to be understood.  Make SURE you understand what they are saying, asking questions as needed or repeating it back to them in their own words to make sure you got it right.  Also, watch their body language for things that they may be feeling but aren't saying.  Once you know that you understand, do the second part of Habit 5:  seek to be understood.  Now is the time when you can express your point of view, give feedback, or respectfully offer suggestions.


I told my boys that Habit 5 is especially important when talking to girls or women.  This sounds sexist, but I believe it is a widely recognized gender difference discussed in many books such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex.  Too often, men seek first to understand what they think are the highlights of the other person position--the broad outline--and then start to offer suggestions or opinions.  They often actually completely misunderstand the other person, and yet still plunge ahead with their feedback and suggestions.  Another man might not mind because men tend to focus on problem solving.  A woman is much more likely, I told them, to want to be certain that she's understood before the man starts trying to solve the problem.  I told the boys that, they may not be interested in girls yet, but it will happen soon and this is something they ought to remember.


My favorite sentence in this chapter in Covey's book was this:  "Seeking first to understand requires consideration, but seeking to be understood requires courage."  He explains that it isn't enough to listen.  You could become a "doormat", someone who always hears the other person's point of view but does not assert his or her own.  You end up practicing "Lose-Win" in the relationship.  You "lose".  The other person, who enjoyed an active listener, "wins".  To have a "Win-Win" conversation, you often have to have the courage to state your own needs after you've understood the other person, especially if your interests are at risk.

Character Camp Day 6: Think Win-Win

Today's lesson in our Family's "Character Camp" was the chapter called "Think Win-Win" in the book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

Sean Covey, the author says that institutions often set up situations and reward systems that are "Win-Lose" competitions, forced distributions where someone is "low rated" or gets a bad grade because they didn't compete well.  However, Covey says that these reward systems are artificial.  The most important, natural situations in life involve relationships in which everyone can win.  Helping the other person or giving to the other person helps them "win" and also helps you "win".

The kids got the message, but it was a little more challenging to show them examples in their lives where they've taken a "win-lose" approach (victory at the expense of the other), "lose-win" (defeat by the other), or "lose-lose" (everyone suffers).  One of my sons is competitive so he assumes he's always either "win-win" or "win-lose", but I gave examples where his competition leaves both sides feeling bad and angry at each other ("lose-lose") or where he gave in to a teacher, parent, or classmate and felt resentful ("lose-win").  We talked about how some of these situations could have been turned into "win-win".  Finally, we talked about the most vital "win-win" of all:  to build his emotional bank account with key people in his life, leading both people in the relationship with a huge victory.

Character Camp Day 5: Relationship Bank Account

For our family, "The Relationship Bank Account", may be the single most important chapter in the book, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

This was the chapter we read and discussed today, Day 5 of our "Character Camp" for our teenage boys. "Character Camp" is our 10 day program to revolutionize forever how we talk as a family about character, values, goals, and accomplishment.  The "Relationship Bank Account" (or "RBA") is a model for the trust you build or tear down in your relationships with others.  In this model, you can "make deposits" in the "Relationship Bank Account" you have with a friend or a family member by saying something kind, keeping promises, being helpful, or many other acts that build trust.  You can also "make withdrawals" from the "RBA" by lying, breaking promises, rolling your eyes, avoiding chores, dominating conversation, or dragging your feet when the family is in a big hurry to go somewhere.

One of my sons says he feels powerless to improve an important relationship that has often been tense in the past.  I told him that the "RBA" can give him the power to improve the relationship.  I said that he can make simple "deposits" any time, and gave him many examples of  "deposits" as simple as asking the other person how they feel.  I told him that, when he does these things, the other person is likely to reciprocate, acting kindly to my son, further building the "RBA" that they share between them.  It is likely that the "RBA" will grow quickly, old wounds will heal, and the relationship will blossom.

Character Camp Day 3 & 4: Goals and Priorities

In the past 2 days, our Family "Character Camp" has addressed habits 2 & 3 from the book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.

My oldest teenager has found these chapters to be boring because he thinks he has them mastered.  In some ways, he has and in other ways he hasn't.  The habits we're talking about involve goals and priorities.  The first  habit of highly effective teens (or highly effective people of any age), "Begin with the End in Mind", involves goals:  having a picture of where you want to go with your life, having a mission statement.  The second habit, "Put First Things First", involves making sure that you allocate plenty of time to things that move you toward those goals, toward the ends that you have in mind.

In what ways has my son mastered Habits 2 and 3?  Habit 2:  He has an extraordinarily clear vision of what he wants in his life:  sports, sports, sports.  To be an ESPN analyst, professional football scout, or something else that involves having remarkable mastery of sports knowledge, ability to "see" what is really happening during a game, and judgment about athletic potential.  Habit 3:   Does he allocate plenty of time to moving toward this vision?   He'd allocate 24 hours each day if we would let him.  And the time he's invested has paid off handsomely.  There is no person I know, at any age, who knows half as much about sports as he does, and--although this is a highly competitive field--he really has a chance to stand out.

So how has he NOT mastered these Habits?  There is more to life than sports.  How about health, relationships, exploring new places and activities, spirituality, acquiring new knowledge and interests?  I told him today that he really has a knack for Habits 2 and 3.  If only he'd BROADEN his goals, this would be a tremendously strong part of his life.

Camp Character-Day 2 Be Proactive

Today's lesson in our family "Character Camp" was to "Be Proactive"--to assume that YOU are responsible for your life.  The opposite way of living, to be "reactive" is to react to your changing circumstances with no faith that you can make choices about your reactions that will give you control of your life.  Being "proactive" leads to steering the course of your life.  Being "reactive" leads to drifting wherever circumstances and your habitual reactions take you, even if they take you over the edge of a cliff.

When you are "proactive", you know you are steering the course.  You know you are responsible for where you go.  When you are "reactive", you fail to recognize that the steering wheel of how you choose to respond to life is right there in front of you.  You don't see your power.  You surrender power and control to circumstances and habitual reactions.  And then you blame others for everything good and, especially, everything bad that happens to you.

We don't expect "Character Camp" to instantly turn our two boys into "Masters and Commanders" of their destinies, habitually recognizing their power to get the best out of any situation through the choices that they make.  In fact, WE (the parents) don't always remember to be proactive.  But we do expect to come out of "Character Camp" with a common family understanding and language to describe a way to live effectively.  Two months from now, if one of our kids comes home from school and says, "I can't learn anything in Miss Simpson's class.  Nobody can!  Everybody hates her!", we can remind him, "Are you being proactive or reactive about Miss Simpson?  Remember what we learned in Character Camp?  What options do you have to take control of this situation?"

Camp Character-Day 1: Personal Bank Account

Today is the first full day of "Camp Character", our attempt to establish common core principles and values as a family, an investment we're making that we hope will pay out for our family for the rest of our lives. So far, I think we're going to be able to strike the right balance during these 12 days between time spent learning these principles and time doing the other things that a family NORMALLY does on a vacation.

We started off with a review. Our approach is for Chris and I to read aloud to the boys a full chapter from The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens. The boys then fill in all the sections of their copy of the accompanying workbook to get them thinking about what the chapter means to them personally. We read 2 short introductory chapters last weekend, one on good and bad habits, and the other about paradigms, how they affect your view of self and others, and how they can be accurate or misleading. This morning I reviewed what each kid wrote for these chapters. I was pleased to see that they had done a pretty good job of identifying their own good and bad habits and the paradigms they had of themselves and of others. I gave them my perspective on their habits and paradigms and described some of my own habits and paradigms. I had these discussions with each child one at a time, in private, so that they would not feel "exposed" in front of the other child and would trust that they could write down their honest feelings and thoughts.

Chris and I then read aloud today's chapter about "Personal Bank Accounts". The author uses the image of a personal bank account to show what happens when you keep promises to your self versus when you let your self down. Every time you keep a personal commitment or do something that is in line with your true values and interests, you "make a deposit in your Personal Bank Account". Make enough of these deposits and you will grow rich in self confidence, self control, and self esteem. On the other hand, if you break a commitment to yourself, if you lie or do something else that you know is wrong, then you "make a withdrawal". Make enough withdrawals and you will empty your account, stop trusting yourself, lose confidence, and develop poor self-esteem. The kids have already filled out their workbooks. This process took about 2 hours. I haven't reviewed the workbooks yet, but Chris and I agreed we'd give them a long break each day as soon as we get to this point so that they can have fun, have friends over, go to the pool, etc.

Later, when Chris and I review what they wrote, we'll be sure to expose our own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to keeping promises to ourselves. We have to talk about when we disappoint ourselves by having a few too many drinks, or deciding not to exercise, eating the wrong foods, and so on. Also, we have to talk about the positives, such as how wonderful I feel that I'm writing this blog. I'll tell them about the many years when I was withdrawing from my personal bank account because I wanted to write a book or two and didn't know how to get started, how this failure to get moving on one of my most important promises to myself was one of my biggest disappointments in life. And I'll tell them how different it feels now that I'm writing almost daily the kinds of things that I wanted to put in a book, and I'm putting it out there for others in this blog. Even if the audience for this blog is and remains small, each blog I post goes straight into my personal bank account.